this new village house, the new neighbors, the new living situation. all of these things have become such a refreshing change of pace for my husband and i. regardless of the fact that we still have maybe 3 or 4 real friends out here, we are more available to the community and i love that. i love that i have found a friend in our new village that is not only ridiculously friendly, she also speaks perfect english! i just need to get over my shyness. does anyone know a cure for severe shyness? i did not used to be this shy i don't think, maybe i was and i was just around people who were not shy. if there is one thing i've learned about chinese people, its the fact that they are very shy people, or at least not very outspoken. they keep to themselves and it works for their busy lifestyles. maybe i have adopted their character trait of keeping to myself. i do not want to be a recluse, but sometimes i fear that it is too easy to be one in this city. there are so many people, doing so many new things all at the same time - so its easy to fade into the background. yes, even as a white person.
i have a huge desire to meet new people and get involved in their lives. but i'm so afraid to do it. i'm so afraid to get close to people i know i'm going to leave. if you know the life i've lived, you will know that i've dealt with massive amounts of loss when it comes to those who are close to me. just six months ago, i lost a dear friend to an aortic aneurysm . a little while before that i lost a friend from school, i lost a friend in the war, 3 years ago i lost a baby. so i'm afraid of getting close and then having to say goodbye. saying goodbye, no matter who you are is never easy for me, but i've had many spilled tears because i've had to say goodbye so often. you'd think it'd get easier, but unfortunately for me it does not. there are always tears, always a sinking feeling in my stomach, my face always gets hot and my heart always feels like its going to leap straight out of my chest. i don't handle goodbyes that well, i guess you have learned just from reading this paragraph.
i've been thinking of a lost friend quite a lot lately. my dear friend gordon mercovich. he passed away may 16, 2007 of an aneurysm in his aorta. he was otherwise top notch on the health scale and no one saw this coming. i just spoke to my friend donna (aka trissa) who was even better friends with him than i and she and i both have started thinking of him frequently. we're not quite sure why but we have started thinking about him so much, but we think it may be because we remind each other of the wonderful 7 foot tall man who had a contagious laugh, lots of love to give and a smile that could wipe away pain in a flash. the three of us would have non-stop flirt matches throughout the work day and keep each other company/sane by having "gordymails and donnamails and christinmails" all day. i'm surprised i never got in trouble for the amount of non-work related emails i had from those two. donna and i have recently reconnected after not having spoken in a while since i moved to hong kong. maybe its just because he cared so much. theres not a lot i can say without crying all over again. but i remember, when i received the news from donna that gordy had passed and the first thing i did was burst into tears and run in to tell bud. i could not stop crying and my breathing sped up. even now, i'm remembering. i called kyle and i called vaughn to tell them the news.
why are some things so vividly ingrained into your memory. why do those memories tend to be the bad ones? i can't help but think of him, i can't help but remember other past times where my heart bled. i can't help but think of times where my closest friends hearts were broken. i can't help but remember hurting when they hurt. good memories are forever remembered too, but why does the sting of sadness and hurt still cause additional pains when you revisit them? why do i have to remember the things that hurt the most, like my dear friend gordy passing away. i just wish i could hang out with him and hug him until i turn blue. i wish we could have had that amazing weekend we had planned of visiting sydney and doing all sorts of fun stuff. i wish donna, gordy and i could have had our fantastic weekend together. i wish that i could have had a few rum&cokes with him and danced the night away. i wish i could have hung out at his new house and played wow until the sun came up. :-/ i guess i'm just realizing *again* that those things we planned, those ideas and plans we had - will never happen.
all of this reminds me that life is so terribly short. we are not guaranteed tomorrow. :-/ i need to go rest and pray. i've sufficiently made myself depressed and i need to get out of my funk. agape.
i have a huge desire to meet new people and get involved in their lives. but i'm so afraid to do it. i'm so afraid to get close to people i know i'm going to leave. if you know the life i've lived, you will know that i've dealt with massive amounts of loss when it comes to those who are close to me. just six months ago, i lost a dear friend to an aortic aneurysm . a little while before that i lost a friend from school, i lost a friend in the war, 3 years ago i lost a baby. so i'm afraid of getting close and then having to say goodbye. saying goodbye, no matter who you are is never easy for me, but i've had many spilled tears because i've had to say goodbye so often. you'd think it'd get easier, but unfortunately for me it does not. there are always tears, always a sinking feeling in my stomach, my face always gets hot and my heart always feels like its going to leap straight out of my chest. i don't handle goodbyes that well, i guess you have learned just from reading this paragraph.
i've been thinking of a lost friend quite a lot lately. my dear friend gordon mercovich. he passed away may 16, 2007 of an aneurysm in his aorta. he was otherwise top notch on the health scale and no one saw this coming. i just spoke to my friend donna (aka trissa) who was even better friends with him than i and she and i both have started thinking of him frequently. we're not quite sure why but we have started thinking about him so much, but we think it may be because we remind each other of the wonderful 7 foot tall man who had a contagious laugh, lots of love to give and a smile that could wipe away pain in a flash. the three of us would have non-stop flirt matches throughout the work day and keep each other company/sane by having "gordymails and donnamails and christinmails" all day. i'm surprised i never got in trouble for the amount of non-work related emails i had from those two. donna and i have recently reconnected after not having spoken in a while since i moved to hong kong. maybe its just because he cared so much. theres not a lot i can say without crying all over again. but i remember, when i received the news from donna that gordy had passed and the first thing i did was burst into tears and run in to tell bud. i could not stop crying and my breathing sped up. even now, i'm remembering. i called kyle and i called vaughn to tell them the news.
why are some things so vividly ingrained into your memory. why do those memories tend to be the bad ones? i can't help but think of him, i can't help but remember other past times where my heart bled. i can't help but think of times where my closest friends hearts were broken. i can't help but remember hurting when they hurt. good memories are forever remembered too, but why does the sting of sadness and hurt still cause additional pains when you revisit them? why do i have to remember the things that hurt the most, like my dear friend gordy passing away. i just wish i could hang out with him and hug him until i turn blue. i wish we could have had that amazing weekend we had planned of visiting sydney and doing all sorts of fun stuff. i wish donna, gordy and i could have had our fantastic weekend together. i wish that i could have had a few rum&cokes with him and danced the night away. i wish i could have hung out at his new house and played wow until the sun came up. :-/ i guess i'm just realizing *again* that those things we planned, those ideas and plans we had - will never happen.
all of this reminds me that life is so terribly short. we are not guaranteed tomorrow. :-/ i need to go rest and pray. i've sufficiently made myself depressed and i need to get out of my funk. agape.
Hi Christin
I just came across your blog about Gordon. I'm Gordy's big sister and your words warmed my heart. Even now it astounds me just how many friends Gordon had, how many lives he touched. I miss him so much, I can't believe it's been eight months already. I wish there was a way I could still chat with him, even if it was only once a year. Occasionally, I hear people complaining that they're approaching a certain age. I say to them, at least you got to reach that age, you should be happy that you got to experience more than 29 years of life.
Look after yourself and take care.
Lauren
xox
hi lauren. i dont know if you will read this but i'm so glad you read the blog. i can never understand what you may be going through and even though i'm a stranger, if you ever want to vent - feel free to vent to me. i wish i could bring him back, i really do. but at least we can live on in his memories and how amazing he was. much love to you and your family. keep in touch.
take care,
christin
p.s. just curious how you found this blog - haven't told many people about it. :) don't mind at all - just interested.
Hi Christin
I found your blog simply by Googling Gordon's name. I do that occasionally to see what comes up. The last time I did that I came across a World of Warcraft bulletin board and found a picture of Gordy that I had never seen before. I'm so glad he had such an impact on people, it just reinforces to me what a great person he was. He wasn't perfect but who is? As far as humans go, he was a good one.
Take care
Lauren
xoxox
Hi Christin
I found your blog simply by Googling Gordon's name. I do that occasionally, the last time I did that I found a World of Warcraft bulletin board and a picture of Gordy that I'd never seen before. I'm just amazed at the impact he had on people, it just reinforces to me what a great person he was. He wasn't perfect, but who is? As far as humans go, he was a good one.
Take care
Lauren
xoxox