i think i am at the point of accepting potential infertility problems. i wrote this and i truly do believe it. not without tears in my eyes, but i trust that God is in control and that no matter what, however i get a child - i will be happy and blessed no matter what. its taken me a LONG time to get to that point but i think this is where i was supposed to be the whole time. its kind of silly when we fight against humility and fight against what God might have in store for us. some friends of mine recently announced that they are having a baby. its been a 7 year trial that has resulted in the life of their unborn child swimming and dancing and jumping strongly inside her womb. i am SO ecstatic for them as they will be amazing parents and have desired this for so long. they have gone down the road of infertility, stared at in the face, battled with it in numerous ways and in the end - God blessed them with a child. maybe he was testing their patience, maybe he just knew the correct time in their life that a child should be added. who knows the exact mind of God? at least we can rest in His care and know that He is in control and has our best interest in mind, even if we don't agree with it.
let me say that i do desire, deep down inside to become pregnant. i want so badly to go to full term, play with my baby from the outside of my womb, feel him/her kick and watch as my tummy grows and expands. i'd love to have a baby in the natural sense of the word, by conceiving from the love of me and bud and the blessing of God's hand on us. but if that is not what he wants for us, i am okay with that too. don't get me wrong, i'm sure i'll have days where i'm not okay with it, i'm human and my desires sometime overrule the fact that i know God knows what he is doing. but in the long run, no matter what happens, i know God is doing whats best for us.
right now though, i'm wondering what approach i want to take. in the year 2010, there are MANY ways to go about treating infertility issues and potentially allowing for conception to take place. but what i'm battling within myself right now is, if i am for sure infertile, should i spend thousands of dollars on fertility medication and in-vitro-fertilization? i already know that if there was infertility on bud's side that i could not get a donor, i'd feel as if i were bringing someone else into something that is meant to be personal. i'm not judging people who do go that route, but thats just how i feel. i don't think i am completely opposed to having an extremely close friend of mine be a surrogate, but that would be something me, bud, my friend and their husband (whoever it is i felt comfortable asking) would have to seriously pray and discuss heavily. but i'm also wondering, do i want to spend thousands of dollars on this, or should i pay thousands of dollars and adopt a baby from china or korea? you see where i'm going with this?
either way, if we are unable to have babies (which, although i'm trusting God and know He's in control, it still, even the thought brings me close, if not to tears) - should we spend money on fertility methods or adopt a baby already waiting for a home? its a difficult decision that i haven't even talked to bud about yet. i'm sure now that he is going to read this, we will discuss it. which is something we should talk about. bah... so much to think about. so much emotion, pain and confusion is here. but, nonetheless, God is the sovereign provider and i know He knows best. and this is a good place to be.
real quick: the reason i bring this up is because i have not had my cycle since july 17. i've had 2 days of spotting (sorry if you're reading this and you're like OMG TMI!) 2 weeks apart and it never lasted for more than a few hours. i went to my doctor and she is running blood work. she's doing a blood pregnancy test to see if i am indeed pregnant (i'm not getting my hopes up), checking my hormones, checking my thyroid, my kidneys, my liver, etc., to see whats going on in this body of mine. so i'm basically starting to find out whats going on with me and its just a crazy time in my life right now. so anyway - that is all. just wanted to think out loud... erm... via my blog. i hope you're not too bored reading this. comment if you have any thoughts, prayers, ideas, etc. i love you all. please know that there is no judgment from me to anyone who does any of the above mentioned things. i am just hashing out a lot of ideas in my head. okay, till next time. peace out.
let me say that i do desire, deep down inside to become pregnant. i want so badly to go to full term, play with my baby from the outside of my womb, feel him/her kick and watch as my tummy grows and expands. i'd love to have a baby in the natural sense of the word, by conceiving from the love of me and bud and the blessing of God's hand on us. but if that is not what he wants for us, i am okay with that too. don't get me wrong, i'm sure i'll have days where i'm not okay with it, i'm human and my desires sometime overrule the fact that i know God knows what he is doing. but in the long run, no matter what happens, i know God is doing whats best for us.
right now though, i'm wondering what approach i want to take. in the year 2010, there are MANY ways to go about treating infertility issues and potentially allowing for conception to take place. but what i'm battling within myself right now is, if i am for sure infertile, should i spend thousands of dollars on fertility medication and in-vitro-fertilization? i already know that if there was infertility on bud's side that i could not get a donor, i'd feel as if i were bringing someone else into something that is meant to be personal. i'm not judging people who do go that route, but thats just how i feel. i don't think i am completely opposed to having an extremely close friend of mine be a surrogate, but that would be something me, bud, my friend and their husband (whoever it is i felt comfortable asking) would have to seriously pray and discuss heavily. but i'm also wondering, do i want to spend thousands of dollars on this, or should i pay thousands of dollars and adopt a baby from china or korea? you see where i'm going with this?
either way, if we are unable to have babies (which, although i'm trusting God and know He's in control, it still, even the thought brings me close, if not to tears) - should we spend money on fertility methods or adopt a baby already waiting for a home? its a difficult decision that i haven't even talked to bud about yet. i'm sure now that he is going to read this, we will discuss it. which is something we should talk about. bah... so much to think about. so much emotion, pain and confusion is here. but, nonetheless, God is the sovereign provider and i know He knows best. and this is a good place to be.
real quick: the reason i bring this up is because i have not had my cycle since july 17. i've had 2 days of spotting (sorry if you're reading this and you're like OMG TMI!) 2 weeks apart and it never lasted for more than a few hours. i went to my doctor and she is running blood work. she's doing a blood pregnancy test to see if i am indeed pregnant (i'm not getting my hopes up), checking my hormones, checking my thyroid, my kidneys, my liver, etc., to see whats going on in this body of mine. so i'm basically starting to find out whats going on with me and its just a crazy time in my life right now. so anyway - that is all. just wanted to think out loud... erm... via my blog. i hope you're not too bored reading this. comment if you have any thoughts, prayers, ideas, etc. i love you all. please know that there is no judgment from me to anyone who does any of the above mentioned things. i am just hashing out a lot of ideas in my head. okay, till next time. peace out.