songbird says stuff...

are deep and sacred. many things i keep to myself, other things i only share with my husband and then there are things i share with a select few. there are certain things that i'll keep inside for a while and then i'll resolve it within my heart and feel as though i can share it. this particular thought is one of those. i'm so blessed by the people in my life. i love them and when i love, i love with as much as it is humanly possible to love. when they hurt or are angry, i hurt and feel anger with them. when someone i love is crying, i cry with them. i feel so much and so often. as the days go by, i feel as though i am absorbing everyones feelings into myself, i feel as if more things affect me now then they used to. one of my dearest friends is going through a lot right now and there is NOTHING i can do to help her. granted, she is in good spirits and she has a family and friends who support her, so i know she will be okay. but i feel like i may be feeling the same anger and frustration that she is feeling. how is that even possible. i understand being sympathetic and empathetic towards someone but its almost as if i take on what they are feeling onto myself and weep, scream and implode a little bit. why? 

life is absolutely insane at the moment. well, let me rephrase that. life has been absolutely insane as of late. yes. HOPEFULLY things are on the mend and calming down. i had an awful doctor's appointment last week at the gynecologist and there was a lot of crap going on at work.  and i just realized as i was typing all this that i'm really not inspired to write in my blog. huh. well... sorry. this is all you get. except that i'm hoping things will be at the point where they can be calm for a while. thanksgiving is NEXT WEEK! and then 2 weeks after that, i'll be moving to davidsonville. :) i'm very excited about moving and such. sorry - i was going to write a really good blog but then all of a sudden i realized... i am SO not inspired right now. OHOHOHOH! go buy josh grobans new cd. its called illuminations. its wonderfully fantastic. i think he is really stretching and growing in his career and i love going along for the ride as one of his fans! definitely recommend it. its genius. oh and umm... HARRY POTTER TOMORROW AT MIDNIGHT! who's going?? yeah thats right... THIS GIRL! awesome. k. i think that i am going to start hitting the gym again... soon i'll be so close to the gym it will be a lot more tempting to go! huzzah. okay... NOW I'M REALLY DONE! kthxbai. ;-P this blog is full of fail. i apologize. ciao.

i think i am at the point of accepting potential infertility problems. i wrote this and i truly do believe it. not without tears in my eyes, but i trust that God is in control and that no matter what, however i get a child - i will be happy and blessed no matter what. its taken me a LONG time to get to that point but i think this is where i was supposed to be the whole time. its kind of silly when we fight against humility and fight against what God might have in store for us. some friends of mine recently announced that they are having a baby. its been a 7 year trial that has resulted in the life of their unborn child swimming and dancing and jumping strongly inside her womb. i am SO ecstatic for them as they will be amazing parents and have desired this for so long. they have gone down the road of infertility, stared at in the face, battled with it in numerous ways and in the end - God blessed them with a child. maybe he was testing their patience, maybe he just knew the correct time in their life that a child should be added. who knows the exact mind of God? at least we can rest in His care and know that He is in control and has our best interest in mind, even if we don't agree with it.

let me say that i do desire, deep down inside to become pregnant. i want so badly to go to full term, play with my baby from the outside of my womb, feel him/her kick and watch as my tummy grows and expands. i'd love to have a baby in the natural sense of the word, by conceiving from the love of me and bud and the blessing of God's hand on us. but if that is not what he wants for us, i am okay with that too. don't get me wrong, i'm sure i'll have days where i'm not okay with it, i'm human and my desires sometime overrule the fact that i know God knows what he is doing. but in the long run, no matter what happens, i know God is doing whats best for us.

right now though, i'm wondering what approach i want to take. in the year 2010, there are MANY ways to go about treating infertility issues and potentially allowing for conception to take place. but what i'm battling within myself right now is, if i am for sure infertile, should i spend thousands of dollars on fertility medication and in-vitro-fertilization? i already know that if there was infertility on bud's side that i could not get a donor, i'd feel as if i were bringing someone else into something that is meant to be personal. i'm not judging people who do go that route, but thats just how i feel. i don't think i am completely opposed to having an extremely close friend of mine be a surrogate, but that would be something me, bud, my friend and their husband (whoever it is i felt comfortable asking) would have to seriously pray and discuss heavily. but i'm also wondering, do i want to spend thousands of dollars on this, or should i pay thousands of dollars and adopt a baby from china or korea? you see where i'm going with this?

either way, if we are unable to have babies (which, although i'm trusting God and know He's in control, it still, even the thought brings me close, if not to tears) - should we spend money on fertility methods or adopt a baby already waiting for a home? its a difficult decision that i haven't even talked to bud about yet. i'm sure now that he is going to read this, we will discuss it. which is something we should talk about. bah... so much to think about. so much emotion, pain and confusion is here. but, nonetheless, God is the sovereign provider and i know He knows best. and this is a good place to be.

real quick: the reason i bring this up is because i have not had my cycle since july 17. i've had 2 days of spotting (sorry if you're reading this and you're like OMG TMI!) 2 weeks apart and it never lasted for more than a few hours. i went to my doctor and she is running blood work. she's doing a blood pregnancy test to see if i am indeed pregnant (i'm not getting my hopes up), checking my hormones, checking my thyroid, my kidneys, my liver, etc., to see whats going on in this body of mine. so i'm basically starting to find out whats going on with me and its just a crazy time in my life right now. so anyway - that is all. just wanted to think out loud... erm... via my blog. i hope you're not too bored reading this. comment if you have any thoughts, prayers, ideas, etc. i love you all. please know that there is no judgment from me to anyone who does any of the above mentioned things. i am just hashing out a lot of ideas in my head. okay, till next time. peace out.

i know bud will understand the title of this blog... some others may as well. ;-P

hi. now that i'm done being cryptic. life is crazy. i went to the doctor, have a few more doctors visits scheduled, feeling tired and depressed but also happy at the same time. weird, i know. but i'm so grateful that God is in control of my life. i guess thats all. i'm going to start writing in here a bit more. its very therapeutic and helps me to get my creative juices flowing! awesome.

lets see... anything else to tell you right now before i end this pretty much pointless blog? no? okay, well until next time. talk to you later. love ya! ciao.

the title says it all, i suppose. but i will elaborate for those few that are intrigued. i've been sick for a week. i hate the feeling. its not bad enough to go to the doctor or call out from work (lord knows i don't want to have to make up another day with another weekend night...), its just enough to make me feel ruddy and sleepy. i laid in bed all day watching as time goes by. one of my favorite british comedies. its quite good and i recommend it to any of you that love that kind of dry & witty humor. was hoping to get to church, but i really felt it was important to relax for the day, try and recoup as much as possible before the beginning of another week. i didn't have a full weekend you see.

yesterday i felt like laying in bed all day too, but i went to coffee with becky and kim instead. that was very nice and then i came home and my parents came to visit. they stayed for about an hour. it was nice having them over. i do love living close by to them. then i had work at 4pm and worked till nearly 1am. my employer and her husband went to see rush. jealous. would have been awesome to see them. i reckon there won't be too many of those concerts. they are getting kind of ancient. at least for the rock and roll scene. but who knows, ozzy osbourne is still sort of kicking... anyway. last week went by ever so slow. even though i didn't have a monday.

i feel stuck. we went on vacation and while i didn't work, we did SO much stuff that i didn't feel like it was a vacation at all. don't get me wrong, it was wonderful to get away from maryland for a bit and to visit family and friends. but there was so much to do, so many people to visit at different times, parties to go to and such. when we came home, i had 4 hours until i had to get up and go straight to work. so oddly enough, it doesn't feel like i've had a vacation. i feel like i'm at a stalemate. work has so many ups & downs its as if my job is bipolar. when i come home, i feel as if i'm still under someones thumb and i'm not truly free. we share a kitchen with our other house mates, which in the grand scheme of things, is not that bad. but in reality, being me, its frustrating. i want to experiment with food, i want to bake things, i want to be free to wake up at a weird hour of the night and make cake or cookies if i so feel like it, but i can't, at the risk of waking people. no, i don't think i'd really do that but its the idea of being able to if i wanted to.

i don't have the energy these days to go to the gym, my last period was july 16 and every pregnancy test i take is negative (which i suppose is a good thing since i drank a little too much alcohol on our trip in california) and that is like salt in a wound. i want more romance in my life, i want to sing but have no outlet. i feel like i'm stuck. i'm sick, stuck and sad. its taken me way too long to write this, as its gotten quite personal and i think i'm opening myself up to more vulnerability. i think i will stop. so byebye.

i've been ridiculously busy lately. i'll update this soon. but for now i must sleep. sorry - not trying to cheat and not update. but i've been on a mini-vacation, been to the gym A LOT and such. oh man - thats all for now. must sleep and rest my aching body! love you all. ciao.

here is a list of what i did today... in order (as best as i can remember):

woke up
took temp
wrote it down
got dressed
felt skinny - woke bud up to tell him i felt skinny-er
ate breakfast
brushed teeth
kissed bud
went to work.

watched the babies
talked with rhonda
put one baby down for a nap
took the other one outside to sit in the shade and feel the breeze
took said baby back inside
fed both babies
changed both babies
tried to put baby down for nap - worked an hour after i tried
took other baby outside to sit in the shade and feel the breeze
came inside
put that baby down for nap
picked up other baby and played with her
fed both babies
played with babies
came home.

hung new shower curtain
vacuumed bathroom floor
vacuumed house
cleared kitchen table
organized bedroom a bit
ate dinner
talked to heather
got dressed for the gym.

took the dog to my parents house for the weekend
went to the gym
did strength training
did zumba
came home
did devotional blog
packed for north carolina
ate a small snack.
drank some juice.
made a video with bud. (give it a thumbs down so i can win and have bud join me in zumba next week!)
cleaned bathroom (incl. toilet! eww!)
took a shower
dried off and sat in front of my computer writing out this list.

now i must finish cleaning the living room, brush my hair, brush my teeth (don't worry, using 2 separate types of brushes!), go to bed and wake up early. yep. thats what i did. mwahaahah. now i'm gone. ciao.

dude - mosquito bites on sunburn SUCKS! just thought i'd drop that off for you to think about.

okay so real quick and then my head will be hitting the pillow very quickly. this week has gone by so fast and i think the next  2 weeks will as well. especially next week since i'm only working 3 days next week! huzzah! this weekend is the babies birthday weekend so family is around and they don't really need me. then next weekend we're going to head down to north carolina to see nic and laura lazz! w00t! that will be so exciting. we haven't seen them since we moved from california.

well - that is all of an update for now. oh and i went to zumba tonight - super fun! maybe i'll hit the gym tomorrow and do some strength training. then saturday try to get some cardio in. maybe we can go to six flags - who knows. that will probably happen monday. okay - that is all. goodnight. and big balls. (if you don't know what that is from... don't yell at me. you're the one missing out.) agape.

so had a great day today with my husband. we went to six flags and went swimming, rode a few rides, went swimming some more and then went to friday's afterwards. the only complaints from today are that i got blisters on my feet from 2 pairs of shoes, sunburn (and I put on sunblock! spf 50!!!) and then when we got home, bud accidentally locked our keys in the car. so after an hour of trying to push a stick through the partially opened window (our house mate patrick helped out!), we were able to get the stick and hook my keys (thank God for happy land and the string key holder i still have from then) and pull them out the window. :) huzzah! thanks patrick! oh and then i played a joke on bud, poured water on him and when he was flinging the water off his hands, his wedding ring (which is too big but cannot be resized because its tungsten) flew off with it. its too dark now, so we'll have to scour the grass for it tomorrow in the daytime. :-/ boooo. so for the most part, had a great day. just a few minor hiccups at the very end. ahh well. time for sleep - work in the a.m. eek. love you all. <3

List of things I did today:

Cleaned bedroom
Cleaned kitchen
Reorganized fridge
Walked the dog
Took a shower
Brushed my teeth
Put away clean clothes
Took vitamins
Went to potbellys
Went to barnes & noble
Went to khols
Went to target
Bought a bathing suit and basal thermometer
Saw Prince of Persia
Came home
Talked to Joni for nearly 2 hours
Ate pizza
Uploaded my new montage the fat away video (bud made it awesome!)
Watched an episode of firefly
Ate ice cream (yes I ate horribly today and some how I only went over my calorie intake by 83 calories!)
Drank water
Brushed my teeth
Made bed
Pet the dog and the cat
Wrote this blog.

Now off to sleep. Six Flags tomorrow!!! Huzzah!!!

i know i've been missing in action. i'm trying to get this schedule thing under control. i'm doing a devotional blog for, really, anyone who wants to read. but it started out as a blog for the women of my old church. i really want the women of the body of Christ to grow and mature in their faith, to learn new and amazing things and submit their lives to the service of God. i want that for everyone, really, but since i'm a woman - its appropriate for me to speak to women rather than mixed company. however, i don't think it'd be bad if men read the blog and commented and such. i don't think its the same as leading a church service. hmm... need to ask bud. or maybe he'll just comment.

work was horrible last week, but this week is going much better! so glad its been uneventful, for the most part. leila is getting the "i'll cry so you pick me up" thing going on and her daddy thinks its cute. i, however, see it for what it is, spoiling and creating a bad habit. but if thats what they want to do, thats their own thing. i can't really judge them. different people do different things.

monster truck had her surgery a week ago tomorrow and she is almost completely healed. she still won't jump off the bed, but other than that, she's twirling and dancing and energetic as ever. that makes for a very happy mommy! hehe.

well - i guess thats all. i miss my friends and family back in california but i don't regret at all, moving back to the east coast. driving down the road with the windows down and smelling honeysuckle throughout my entire neighborhood and seeing lightning bugs (or fireflies to everyone but my family) is so wonderful. i love it. and i'm enjoying the humidity, even if my hair grows to be the size of a basketball and i sweat all day. haha. gotta get used to it anyway, hong kong is much more humid! hehe, and a lot more hot!

that is all for now. ZUMBA TOMORROW! huzzah! anyone who goes to the golds gym in crofton - head on out to zumba! 7:30 tomorrow night. fun times. ciao.

came home early from work today as i was not feeling well and neither was my boss. so i came home around 8:30ish or something and had breakfast and watched some television. bud wasn't feeling well, so he slept till nearly 3pm today. so needless to say it was a lazy day. kind of. i cleaned the kitchen and baked chicken for dinner. dinner was excellent and i think particularly healthy. awesome stuff. baked bbq chicken with rice and asparagus with mushrooms. awesome. anyway - lots going on in my head but sadly i don't have a lot of time to write about it today so it will have to wait. tomorrow we have dinner with a family from our church! huzzah! its nice to get plugged in to a church where we can have sweet fellowship, like we had in california. miss you, my crossweaveans! anywho, time for bed. much later than i had hoped to get to bed. stupid me. love to you all. i'll try to write more tomorrow. goodnight.

i love this time of year. the random 10 minute rain showers. the smell of rain and flowers mixed. the way the air will have a cooling effect right before it rains and after the humidity is there but heat has dissipated. i love it. i love maryland weather in the spring/summer. really - i think after having one season for 7 years, i gained a new appreciation. the cold was a bit hard to handle this winter, but i didn't mind it. i welcomed it! the snow was beautiful and the crisp clean air was so nice for my lungs. love it. huzzah.

tomorrow i hope to get to the grocery store and pick up some good food. i've been given a eating schedule by my personal trainer. yes, i have a personal trainer. i plan to use her as often as i can - but it does cost money sadly. so we'll have to budget that in, once in a while. but if i can get a good feel for what she wants me to do, where she thinks i'll get the optimal results - that will be great. anyway, like i was saying - she gave me an eating schedule and an idea of what i should and can be eating. she advised me to have my starches in the middle of the day (lunch) rather than at night. focus on proteins and steamed veg at night time. so i'm hoping to get into that habit. i need to eat more salads, get more veg in my house and not fry my food. we cook a lot of our chicken in the skillet because its usually faster than baking it, but i need to get it out of my mind that i have to cook things quickly all the time. i need to be more scheduled in my eating and weekly activities. i mean it makes sense. i have the babies i watch on a pretty strict sleep/eat schedule, why shouldn't i do the same for myself. i need the discipline. i need it so i can see results. *sigh*

losing weight is a pain in the tuckus. yes i just said tuckus. its so easy to gain the weight, even harder to lose it.

bud and i were going to go to the eastern shore today but were not feeling up to it. we just didn't feel that great. so sadly i missed out on hanging out with my awesome nieces and nephew, brother and sister-in-law and mom & dad. bah. the time will come again soon.

tomorrow is church! and then... dun dun dun.... the last ever LOST episode. its like 2.5 hours long or something. i can already tell you, and most of you will probably make fun of me, i will be incredibly sad at the end. i've invested a lot into the show by watching it for the past 6 years, i have a lot of memories watching it with my husband and friends. lots of inside jokes regarding the show and everything. it was just a lot of fun to watch and a lot of fun to pick at it and try to figure things out. i don't mind if there are a lot of loose ends at the end. i'm a huge LOST nerd, don't get me wrong. but the one thing that i LOVE about the show that most people can't stand, is that it always has you asking questions and speculating and conversing about it. who cares if answers don't get answered... its fun to watch and ask and think. even after its over, it will be fun to think and question about it. i love that you can infer your own ideas into the show and almost feel like your own director or even a detective.

i've started writing in yet another blog... yes i know... you're thinking. you already write 2. this one and the one to my babies. but this one is a devotional one i did for an entire year before. i've picked it back up to encourage myself and the women of my old church in california to have some conversation about the Lord and allow us to stay in touch and grow together even from a distance. :) so if you're interested in reading it:

notable women's corner

oh and before i wrap this blog up. i mentioned a second video that would be released on my new YouTube channel, GoChristinJoy. well here is the video!!! I hope you enjoy it!



agape.

so the past few days have been interesting. i've been suffering from endo a lot lately. it not only made me miss a cycle for a month but now its back with a vengeance and i feel like i'm dying. but i'm not dying. well... technically speaking i am but really i'm not. i'm alive and well (in the grand scheme of things... it could always be worse!) and this week has been full of interesting shtuff.

sunday - missed church because i was feeling so poorly. sad!

my car stopped working. with deductive reasoning, we changed the battery. it now works. next week we'll take it to get the alternator checked and make sure that its keeping the battery charged. hopefully that was the only problem with the car. (other than the big dent in the side where the deer ran into my car!)

all week, bud's been taking me to work. i really prefer it when he takes me as i get to spend a short period of time with him in the morning. its actually quite special.

tuesday, we went to the gym. i met with a personal trainer! instead of writing about it - i thought of a clever thing to do. i'm making a vlog where i will vlog through the process of losing weight. check out the first video that segues into my new YouTube channel. didn't know i had a YouTube channel? get with the times. here are some links for you.

Original YouTube Page
New YouTube Page

here's a link to my new 'bideo'.  there will be another one later. bud is still editing it and fixing it up. you will NOT want to miss the one he's working on now... its INTENSE!!! :) :)

tomorrow i have work while bud takes monster truck to get spayed. i'm so nervous for her my poor little one. i know its worth it and best for her in the long run. then in the evening i'm going to the gym with my mom and we're going to ZUMBA! huzzah!  that is all for now. talk to you all later. sorry this is a bit of a cheesy update. but i don't want to forget about doing them. ciao.

i'm so sick of health insurance and all the talk about it. i will not get into what i think of the "health care reform" and all that because i try very hard not to be too political. at least not on my blog. really it depends on the topic but health insurance is not one of them. but right now i want to vent about what the asinine system is putting me through.

***warning*** i'm going to be talking about my menstrual cycle. if its TMI then don't read any further! you've been forewarned.***

i have endometriosis. i think i've talked about it before. anyway here's the short of what it is. every month a woman has a menstrual period where the inner lining of the uterus sheds. endometriosis occurs when tissue like that which lines the inside of the uterus grows outside the utuerus, usually on the surfaces of organs in the pelvic and abdominal areas, in places it should not and is not supposed to grow. it causes lesions and cysts and other things to happen within her body. it can also form a "cobweb" like mess inside as well. endometriosis has been linked to uterine cancer/endometrial cancer and the lining has been found in random places of a womens body, including the nose! its rare for that to happen but it has happened. it is also among the leading causes for infertility in woman. i think its like 30-40% of woman who have endo will have fertility issues.

anyway - i suffer from this. i was diagnosed with it 6ish years ago and i'm almost wishing i had never been diagnosed with it. the reason being, i now am considered in the eyes of the health insurance world as a "pre-existing condition." God forbid they see me as an actual woman who has a need and needs help to live a semi-normal life. i'm a woman who wants to have children, wants to not hurt every month almost all month. yes - the pain i feel is constant. i always have twinges or a sort of discomfort or pain, it just depends on the severity. if its very painful, then i speak up about it, other times, i don't think my husband even knows that i'm in pain. i'm a woman who wants to not have to think about things like uterine cancer and cysts and other things that are brought on by my condition. i don't want to have to think about fertility issues, especially when my husband and i long to have a family of our own. it must be far beyond them to see me as a human being rather than a statistic and an expense to them.

from the research i've done - i don't qualify for maryland medicaid because i'm not pregnant. oh hmm... let me think. that may be a problem because I HAVE ENDOMETRIOSIS AND NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR! BUT I CAN'T SEE ONE BECAUSE OF YOUR REQUIREMENTS. BUT IF I SAW A DOCTOR MAYBE THEN I COULD GET PREGNANT AND FIT YOUR REQUIREMENTS... UGH! then the insurance that MIGHT accept me want to charge me between $600-800 a month and the other ones won't accept me.

don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to put out a "pity me" story or whatever, i'm just so frustrated. hopefully when bud is able to find a job they'll give him insurance that would cover his wife too. i don't know though. who knows. i'm sorry for complaining and venting, but i rarely do. i've been struggling with my endo the past 6 months more so than normal and i'm pretty fed up with it. well, i guess this is all for now. i've calmed down and i'm ready to go to sleep. goodnight. live long and prosper.

so let me see - what have i done since the last time i wrote...

monday - had an okay day at work. came home and had homemade sushi. it was horrible because the crab meat was not fresh. then i went to the gym in the evening. i tried out a class - bodypump. it was a really neat class. it's a weight lifting full body tone class. who knew that lifting a 2 pounds for an hour would cause so much pain all over. i seriously worked out muscles i don't think i've moved ever in my entire life!

tuesday - had a good day at work. rhonda and i went out. took the babies to the doctor for a checkup. ailia bumped her head and acted funky so we were getting that checked out to make sure everything was kosher. she's fine. praise God! then we did some shopping and had some lunch at brios in annapolis. that place rules. finished the day off with some tv with my husband.

wednesday - horrible day at work. leila was inconsolable and would NOT take a nap all day. she was absolutely off her rocker. here's a picture for proof!


thankfully after work, i was able to go to the gym and work out a lot of my frustration. katie and i did bodyjam - a dance class and it was super fun! then afterwards, katie treated bud and i to dinner and to workout shoes. lol. don't ask. i'm sure one day bud will post a picture of his awesome grandpa shoes. to make it short, hanging out with katie was awesome and i'm so glad to have been able to. we're watching her doggy this weekend while she's in pa for a graduation.

today - went to work. the day was much better. leila was feeling MUCH better. i rearranged a nap time for her so hopefully it will work out. see - happy baby time:


came home, bud and i went out and got dinner and now we're home. gonna watch some house and then head to bed, earlier than 10:30 i hope.

i know this is a very generic update but theres not much else for me to say. tomorrow is friday, thank GOD! whoa, do you remember watching TGIF??? it was like family matters and step by step and something else. oh man, every friday. awesome! looking forward to hitting the gym either tomorrow night or saturday during the day and relaxing afterward. i'm really loving our gym, its pretty phenomenal. the staff for the most part are incredibly nice. i haven't met anyone mean, just kind of intimidating. anyway - that is all for now. much love to you all. agape.

can you believe that if hope had survived, i'd have a 5 year old (well... if she had gone to full term, she'd be turning 5 shortly). she'd be beautiful and wonderful and probably starting school in the fall! wow. life would be so different. i can't help but think about it. a lot of things happened today and this one is on my mind the most. at the end of this entry, i'll fill you in on what happened today. but first how i'm feeling. i haven't posted a blog on how i'm feeling in a while. most of them have just been updates and little blurbs here and there. so here comes one of my up close and personal entries.

today - may 9, 2010. mother's day.
i woke up and the first thing i did was read a devotional. then i had a few minutes before i had to get out of bed to get ready for church. i checked my facebook on my iPhone. everyone had plastered "happy mother's day" everywhere. now if you know me, you know that my mom is one of my best friends. i cherish her and she has been pretty much one of my only constants in my ever changing life. she has stuck by me through thick and thin and i love her more and more each day. i am so thankful to have a mother like her. unfortunately - my first thought was a selfish one. not a great way to start off the morning, i know. my heart was already being prepared having read a devotional, but i allowed myself to get me-centered and thats all it took. instead of thinking - HOORAY!!! HAPPY MOMMY'S DAY! i thought... another mother's day and i have no child to hold in my arms.

to add to my longing and pain, 2 friends of mine came out today that they are having a baby. let me count real fast how many of my friends are having children or JUST had a child: i have 18 friends currently that i can count that have just had a child or just found out they were pregnant. and i am happy and envious at the same time. i wish i could just be happy for them. and truly, i am happy for them. any child that is brought into this world is a blessing to those around him/her and is an important part of our society. but i long to have the joy that they have. i long to have a child that was made from love and respect and made by the hand of God. i want this so badly. and i know that the longer that i try to take control of this, the more i will be waiting for it to happen, if God wants it to happen at all. i just need to trust God knows best. and I DO know that... and i know that my hearts desire should be one thing and one thing only - to have God, to see Him glorified in and through my life. and i do long for that. i need to focus on that. i was reminded of that today at church. "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." i must decrease and He must increase. i need that and i need to remember these things. but that doesn't make it easier right now. and i know God understands my longing. but really i need to get my priorities straight. started my period today... of all days... theres few days where i can start my period and it not affect me but today is one of those days where it does. sorry if thats TMI, but its the truth.

anyway - my heart is longing to hold a child of my own. i love watching other people's children. i love children in general. but sometimes, its like salt in a wound. the babies i watch love me. i love them. we have a great time and they trust me and know that i care for them. they feel secure with me. BUT. i am not their mommy and its very obvious. and thats the way it should be. i will NEVER EVER try to creep in on someone else's child. thats just ridiculous. but every now and then it stings... because i still don't know what it feels like to walk into a room with a child that is mine and see them so happy to see me that they instantly reach out to hold me and me hold them. bah. anyway - thats how i'm feeling. and i know a few people in my life would suggest things like "surrogacy" and "in-vetro" but i don't agree with either of those things. if you want to ask me about it, i'll explain. but i don't feel like touching that here. i do believe in adoption though, and that is a viable option for me one day, i hope.

so anyway, on to something not depressing. went to church. it was awesome. the missionaries from Northern China were there and it was awesome to hear of the work they are doing! God is very much moving and doing great things. it did drive my heart into overdrive on wanting to be back in Hong Kong. after church we came home. church lasted from 11am-3:30. 2 services. one was a normal service and the second was a demonstration of whats going on in china. awesome to hear. so once we were home, i was so tired bud made me tacos in bed and went to the store while i watched reruns of the big bang theory. when he got home, we got ourselves caught up on heroes. we're starting to really get caught up on all the shows that we missed out on watching when we were apart for 3 months! hooray for getting caught up. i don't know when we'll be caught up with our anime though. bleach will take a while i think. anyhow... that is that. now i must get to bed before i stay up way too late again and end up hating life in the morning. work tomorrow. then a night at the gym while bud is out at a show. it will be fun i'm sure. i'm praying that I will decrease and God will increase and that He will be glorified through my life this week. praying that He will bless me with a little one soon and that bud and i can start to add to our little family we already have. until another time - i'm off to bed. goodnight all. much love!

whoa, blast from the past. i'm listening to thursday. crazy!

okay so i'm a failure and i apologize to anyone who reads my blogs and actually cares if i update everyday or not. it's been another few days since i've updated. i've been a bit busy and really, all week i went to bed at like 11pm or later and it took its toll on me during work. i found myself wanting to fall asleep or being a little more on edge. it doesn't help that the babies were pretty much little devils all week (with regards to their nap schedules...). i know i wrote about it earlier this week so i won't rehash it. thankfully, friday i only had one major meltdown with leila so that was fortunate. so let me see... i guess i'll catch you up on what has happened the past 3ish days.

thursday my parents came over for dinner! it was nice to have them over. there seems a large lack of stress between my dad and bud which is so nice for me. i don't know where the change came from but i won't argue with it. its been a nice change of pace, being able to relax when they are in the same room as one another. anyway - i made tacos for them and by the end of the night we all had full happy tummy's. full of yummy tacos! afterwards, once my parents had left, my best friend katie (she and i are going on 23 years of being best friends!)  and i talked about her gym and how bud and i should join it. we had been in the market for a little while for a gym. so we met up with her and her boyfriend and went over to gold's gym of crofton. that place is intense. it was a lot of fun and after some haggling and number's being thrown around all over paper, we got an incredible deal on our gym membership! so stoked to be able to hang out with katie at the gym and for bud and i to hang out at the gym. i really have been trying on my food change. i've started counting calories again. but this time it seems easier because i just put it in a little data thing on my phone (thank God for technology) so its easier to keep track of how many calories i'm taking in. i have a free meeting with a personal trainer on may 18. i am sure i'll be thoroughly depressed afterward, but i need to remember to keep my head up and know that its a step in the right direction. its a step towards shedding the pounds and keeping them off. and a step towards living a healthier lifestyle.

anyway - friday i worked ALL day. from 8:45 to 10:00. thats how many hours? nearly 14 hours. i was thrashed after that. caught up on the big bang theory and started catching ourselves up on heroes. ando became a lot cooler.

today - saturday - we did a bunch of things! i feel like we accomplished A LOT today and i'm very happy with it. i woke up and put away the clean clothes, had breakfast, took my vitamins, cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes and put them away, put together a gym bag (which later i realized i left out 2 important articles of clothing for myself so it was kind of laaaaaame), made breakfast for bud, brushed my teeth. that was all before 11am! after all that, we went to the gym! we worked out for an hour, showered at the gym and headed over to the mall where we had lunch and saw iron man 2! i really enjoyed it!!! it has inspired me to read comics and such. :) after iron man we went to my brothers house on the eastern shore where we watched silly shows on the disney channel, watched night at the museum 2 (which i think is on par with the first one) and saw the nieces and nephew and bob's wife donna for about 20 minutes at the end of the night. all in all it was a day packed with awesome stuff and although i'm worn out, i do feel very accomplished.

tomorrow is church. we're going to make it this week! then i think we're going to come home and veg the remainder of the day. maybe i'll even take a nap! who knows. so although busy - it was a lot of fun, these past few days. thats all for now, i'll write more tomorrow i hope. love you all. grace&peace.

so i started counting calories and writing down what i eat. today i failed but thats okay. i spoke with a friend of mine who has recently been successful as "taking off the weight." she told me a few things that really made sense to me and i think i am going to try and adopt the things she suggested to me, in my own life. so i'm going to track what i eat, try to stay below my suggested caloric intake, drink LOTS of water and exercise. but on top of that, i'm going to be praying my way through this. i'm not in control of the food i put in my tummy and i'm letting food control me. i am not letting God take control of this area of my life and its showing. i don't think i've gained any of the weight i recently shed - i recently took off 20+ pounds and thats a great accomplishment. what i need to do from this point on is not get down on myself for having an off day on my calorie intake and lack of exercise. for instance, today i ate a high amount of calories. they are still within my limit, but its at the higher end. but thankfully, my husband was wonderful and suggested we take a walk. even though i didn't want to, it felt good to get out and do some exercise so that will help against the extra calories. so hooray for a walk at sunset! (side note: on our walk we came across some neighbors with a newfoundland... i want one like WHOA! but i don't think it'd do well in hong kong when we finally move there... hmm...)

today work was good. leila was again, stubborn and not wanting to take an afternoon nap. any ideas or suggestions on how to get an 11month old girl to take an afternoon nap. i'd say she can just stay up but she is SO cranky in the afternoon/evening when she doesn't. she's just not ready to go to 1 nap a day, unless i give her and ailia different schedules. its a possibility. leila has always been better with less sleep, but i dunno. i have to do some research i think and get some advice from some mommies and daddies. halp!~ other than that, she was great. but i'm realizing i'm a little high strung the past few days... the slightest thing frustrates me and thats not good. this is where my eating comes in. i eat to calm down (bad) but overeating makes people cranky. i need to drink more water, get more sleep, more exercise, eat less, and most importantly - i need to pray and be in the word more. i love my new bible because it gives me SO Much information on almost any given topic in the bible. i need to read it more!

i think i've ALMOST mastered "halo" by beyoncé.

i think i may have bud record me as he's getting much better at recording and editing and such. not sure what i'll record... maybe a few church songs and a few secular songs. like i did on my previous cd. which i realize i haven't sent to like ANYONE and i'm really sorry for that. please forgive me. i will try to do that this weekend. but anyway - i need to keep singing. now that i'm not singing every weekend at church, i need to keep my instrument tuned and properly cared for.

i guess thats all for now. my parents are coming over tomorrow which is exciting! they leave for a vacation to our old summer vacation spot - melbourne, florida. i wish i was going. i'd love to visit the old stomping grounds. go on an east coast beach! we'll see i guess. maybe bud and i can go there when we visit florida to go to the wizarding world of harry potter! i'm SO excited to go. anyway - that is all. i'm going to bed. for real this time, i'm getting in bed before 11. (i've been doing that lately and its been horrible every morning waking up). so till next time, goodnight. ciao.

just a short update while a song downloads and such. i'm making a video for my boss for mother's day and for the babies birthday that's coming up next month. i can't believe i've been with them for nearly 6 months!!! the babies are growing up and its awesome but sad! speaking of the babies. they were delightful today, for the most part. little ailia is not feeling well. there's something thats just off with her. she's not eating well. hmm... hopefully its just that she is teething and she will feel better soon. sadly i can't give her any motrin because it was RECALLED! that is just so scary!

anyway - bud and i had a lame fight but all is well in the world now. i cooked dinner and it was not that great - it wasn't bad, but i'm just better at cooking when i'm not stressed out and upset. then i came in here and started making this video thingy for rhonda. i'm excited by it. i hope it makes her smile and i hope it means a lot to her. we'll see how it goes. i hope to give it to her on Friday. :) fun fun. anyway - gonna go. gonna try to finish this up by 10 and get in bed earlier than last night.

oh bud and i are caught up on the big bang theory... so now we can watch it on tv. and we can start getting caught up on our other shows (heroes, house & bleach). yep.

i guess thats all for now. i'm so tired today and wishing i was pregnant... oh the day can't come soon enough but my patience must be put into practice and i must trust the Lord's timing. okay, i shall depart now. grace&peace.

so this weekend has oddly busy but seemed semi-long which is a nice change of pace. friday at work, rhonda and i drove around and got a lot of things accomplished while hanging out. she wanted to spend time with the babies and its always easier to do that when you have a second person with you. we went to whole foods for lunch, went to the optometrist, went to Home Depot, went to the pharmacy, got gas, went to saigon palace to pick up dinner for her and richard and came home. all that with twins is rather exhausting. then when i got home i went with my neighbor friend katy (who is a new friend of mine and i'm enjoying getting to know her) to my best friend katie's cookie lee party she was hosting. it was fun. had a few drinks, joked about old times, reminisced and such. katy bought a few things and i got a few things for free. we came home and bud and i had a good night watching the big bang theory. i realize i talk about it in almost every one of my posts now, but i just can't help it. i'm absolutely enamored by this show. it is phenomenal.

saturday - i was unable to sleep in again. i REALLY want to be able to sleep in past 8am on a day when i don't have to be up! so bud woke up and mowed the lawn (the little lawn that we do have at our house) and i drove over to my parents house to give them our extra picture of us at Medieval Times. i took monster truck with me. i don't get to have quality time with my pupper's often enough so a car ride and a walk around my parents house was a nice outing. unfortunately my parents weren't home so i had to leave it with a note telling them i had been there. when we came home, bud and i decided to go to a movie and have a date. we hadn't been on a date in a while. so we went to Dragon House (the chinese restaurant that we  frequent), then to Rita's, then to Lush and then to the movie. (oh yeah, we went to hot topic where i got the most amazing iPhone cover EVER!!



we saw "Hot Tub Time Machine" with john cusack. its a really funny movie that is pretty ridiculous and just out there. i do not recommend it though as there is a bit of excessive sex jokes and raunchiness to it. which was the downside. but the other jokes were really funny. after the movie we came home and relaxed a bit. we spent some time together and then around midnight we both got hungry. we thought it was a good idea to go to taco bell and have a "fourth meal" if you will. we ate taco bell and continued getting caught up on our show and afterwards... the good idea of taco bell turned into a horrible idea. we both had taco gut. we felt like we were going to throw up and pretty much went into a taco bell comatose state of mind.

today - sunday, we decided to take a week off church. i just wanted a weekend where i didn't have ANY plans at all. so i went to my parents house and got some mail, picked up a bag full of old pictures (soon i will scan them and upload them... talk about classic pictures and memories of old times. CRAZY) and hung out talking with my parentals. it was a nice time. i took monster truck with me again and my mom took her for a walk. if theres anything my mom wants more than anything in this world, that is a physical possession, its a dog. so i'm glad she's able to play with mine. i came home and bud and i realized we hadn't eaten yet. so we went out, had some pizza at Rocco's Pizzeria (the pizza is NYC style and very good!), drove around eastport and downtown annapolis looking at houses and seeing the weekend festivities. it was fun but man let me tell you - i forgot how crappy a lot of maryland drivers are. actually, i think in general, most drivers are crappy. and not just in maryland, everywhere. because i sure came across my fair share of unqualified drivers in california and don't get me started on how they drive in hong kong! (but i must say our friend winson is a good driver!) anyhow... we went to the mall because bud wanted dairy queen. we walked around and got some exercise in and looked at some stuff in some places and whatnot. i love how vague i can be at times. its a gift, although it drives certain people nuts. oh well.

bud and i drove an extremely long way home. but when we finally came home, what do you think we did? yes, you are correct if you guessed that we continued to watch our show and get caught up. i think we have only 2 more episodes until we're officially caught up with season 3. what in the world am i going to do with myself??? THIS IS A DISASTER!!!! CRISIS!!! okay. i'm better now. had some waffles for dinner and now i really should be getting into bed and heading off to dreamland. i think i will in a bit. but i just want to say a few things first...

i need a devotional that i can follow through daily to help me stay in the word each day. i try to just open a area of scripture and read but it doesn't help me retain anything that i read. i almost need to do devotionals as if they were school work. when i have something to listen to or to read, i take notes while at work and the babies are sleeping. i write tons of notes at church because the message is structured and consistent within itself. (trust me, if the sermon is not, and its not biblically based and its just a bunch of fluff... i lose interest and my notes are scarce) so i really need to get a decent devotional that i can write in, follow along with and dive deep into the word. my new bible is awesome and i want to use it to my fullest capabilities!

i love my husband.

i love my job. but can't wait to take a vacation soon... lets see what happens. france? maybe. hawaii? possibly. who knows really. but i MUST say... 6 flags will happen this summer. and so will the wizarding world of harry potter in orlando, florida. yes. it will happen. it will happen and it will be glorious.

okay now i'm off to bed. this is much longer than i had anticipated. i can be a bit long winded i suppose. but then again, i'm updating for numerous days again. i will try my best to keep up to date this week, for those of you who read my blog. love you! oh real quick... go to this website and vote for bud's rap song. it features me too! we're trying to get on the 2010 hip hop census mix tape. check it:

vote!!
this is what you do: at the bottom of the page (past all the comments) fill out your name, email, etc. and in the comment section do the following:

1. Leave the name of the track (1 only) of your choice in the comments section of this blog entry. Remember to include the youtube link.

Our title to the song is: "That King" and the link to the video is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0h_Q7oLkLTQ and bud's youtube name is fecklessman.

2. Include a breakdown/explanation (2 sentence minimum) of why you chose this track.

3. Votes must include #1 and #2 to be counted as a valid vote.

4. If you don’t see your comment posted, that means it probably wasn’t counted as a valid vote.

happy voting all. love you all. ciao.

I am updating from my phone to say that tomorrow I will write a decent blog entry. I've had a good 2 days. I'm so tired and feeling sick from a bad decision of having taco bell way too late at night to write anymore though. So this is all you get for now. Ugh. Goodnight.

holy cow, i truly do fail at this. i haven't written in here for nearly a week. i am very truly sorry. i just haven't been in the mood to turn on my computer and well, yeah thats about it. theres been a lot going on this week, lots to tell. where should i start. hmm... let me take that back. its been a busy 2 days is better way to explain it. monday and tuesday were pretty uneventful except on tuesday, bud and i recorded a song together! i think it turned out pretty dang sweet if i do say so myself. you can see the video here. i hope you like it. if you do - please comment in the comments section on youtube. bud entered it into a contest, it'd be pretty awesome if we were picked. who knows. anyway - OH OH OH OH OH OH!! CONGRATS TO TIFFANY AND NORM WOO!!!! my dear friend tiffany got married saturday and i'm so happy for her. she's found the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with and i'm so blessed that God has blessed her. hooray.

okay. that was that. yesterday however was VERY eventful. let me begin...

yesterday bud and i celebrated our 3 year anniversary! its a strange paradox i feel when i think about how long bud and i have been married. we've been married 3 years which is truly not that long but it also feels like we've been married much longer. let me explain before you all (whoever reads this... HI BECKY and i think HI HEATHER!) joke about oh man honeymoon is over. its so not true. we still love each other more and more each day and just today bud and i were discussing childhood memories (this particular one was started over a bowl of cereal) and it dawned on me that even after nearly 8 years of being together, we still have a lifetime of experiences and things to talk about. i love that we can still learn about each other and learn from one another. oh its so great!!! now to explain the 3 years feeling longer than 3 years. bud and i have been through so much, been to many different places, struggled and grew in the Lord, moved a few times, went out of the country a few times, struggled financially, etc. so with all that happening in such a short period of time, it makes it seem like a lot longer. but i do not resent anything that has made the time seem longer. i'm blessed by it, truly. we have grown in so many different areas of our life and its but a sweet offering to the Lord and a testimony of His faithfulness. but i digress...

yesterday. i had one of the worst days with the babies i've ever had, since i started working for the gillingwater family. when i first started, the initial warm up period was a bit rough. they were moving houses, the babies were sick, they had family over, i was new to them, they were new to me... it was just a lot on all of us and it was just a mad moment of chaos. but since then, things have evened out nicely and we all get along well. and i can confidently say that the babies LOVE me! hooray... because i love them. but again... yesterday. they did NOT want to nap. i think they both slept a total of 15 minutes and for the rest of the day they were cranky, moody, testy, and all the other things babies can be. basically they were living out their sinful nature... they were small, cute steaming piles of flesh festering within themselves... and it put me in a horrible mood. it was one of those days where i felt totally inept. i felt so unqualified to be taking care of children because i was so frustrated and overwhelmed. thankfully, a few of my friends who are mothers, encouraged me that everyone gets days like that. and thankfully - i had a good evening ahead of me planned so i was able to remind myself... this is only temporary.

after work, i went home and gave bud his awesome anniversary present that took me days to make. i formulated a husband talent tree... now if you don't play WOW you won't have any clue as to what that is... but let me show you an example of one from the game, shall i.

so today i woke up late. i had a long conversation via text with a dear friend of mine who is going through a tough time, between the hours of 4am and 6am. i wish i was of more help to her but i know she knows i love her. if she doesn't, she's lost her brain completely! you know who you are. i love you and cherish you. hooray for you!

today i was supposed to go to john's memorial but didn't make it. i had a blinding migraine this morning and then by the time it was gone, i didn't have time to get there in time. but i was thinking of him and wishing all his friends and family best wishes and sending my prayers. its stuff like this - having friends who pass away at such a young age that reminds me how delicate life is and how short it truly is. how we are not guaranteed tomorrow and we need to be leaning on the Lord for His grace and strength to get through this cluster of messes this life sends our way. Lord grant us your peace and your grace, we need it every day. we need your guidance and we need you to save us from ourselves. salvation is in your hands, not ours.

so what did i do today then? i had a huge nerd day with my husband. it was a lot of fun. we played world of warcraft pretty much all day and in between we went to good will, 5 guys, and watched the big bang theory. i love playing WOW with my husband, i should really protest less about it. he enjoys it when i play and it keeps the arguments to a minimum. then we can keep our arguments for my random sobfests and what we're going to eat for dinner. i'm serious, we argue most about what we're going to eat rather than anything substantial. thats pretty good i suppose.

so i will say it. i really want a baby. Lord, please bring me one. amen.

i think i'm going to record a song singing with JulieAndStacy via youtube awesomeness. when it happens, i'll be sure to post it. its going to be radtacular!

lets see what else. going to the new church again tomorrow. although there are no people our age from what we saw last weekend, it will be nice to have a close knit family to grow and learn with. also - may 19th (i think thats the date) they are having one of their missionaries come and do a presentation. guess where they do work? china. awesome. i truly hope that this is the Lords providence and that we are given a greater idea at what God is going to be doing in Hong Kong and where bud and i will fit in. we know we're moving there, thats not in question. its more of a when and if we'll have anyone else coming with us and such. anyway - just stuff to think about. its about 2 years away from fruition (moving to hk that is).

i guess i'm done for today with this blog. i shall go. love you all. goodnight.

i have a lot on my mind but i don't have the right words to say. where in the world would i start. how would i explain all the things going on in my mind. i don't think i can. not at this moment. so i think i will just say - i'm probably going to bed early and waking up early (like i seem to do every weekend... wish i could stay up but i get so tired and then wish i could sleep in but i can't) and such. so i shall go for now. sorry for this weaksauce blog entry. but at least i made an attempt. don't hate me, becky! ciao.

today becky and brody came over after i got off work. i made chicken tacos (let me tell you, that $10 crockpot i purchased is one of the best $10 i have ever spent!!) and refried beans and mexican rice. it was awesome! i ate a little too much. i guess thats what happens when you go from having mexican food at least 2-3 times a month to not having it since december. (taco bell does NOT count, becky) anyway, brody was unnerved. every time he comes over, he cries for the first hour or 2 that he's here. then he concedes. "well, i'm not getting out of here, mom is staying so that means i am too" and then he's fine. its really quite cute. i love him. i love becky too. she's a lot of fun. i hope i don't bore her with the things that i find interesting or fun but then again, she keeps coming over so i guess i don't bore her too much.

Today was okay. Fell asleep at work while the babies napped. Feeling nauseous on and off today. Watching big bang theory with bud. That is all for now. Ciao.

this weekend has been pretty crappy. a friend of mine passed away after a life long battle with cystic fibrosis. he was 2 years younger than i am. so when i say that life is short - i mean life is ridiculously short. when a parent has to bury their child instead of it being the other way around, there's something wrong. my heart grieves for any parent that has had to bury their child, that has had to say goodbye all too soon. granted - i can't really say that with a clear conscience because who am i to number the days of the people i know. only God can number the days of the people on this earth. He knows the number of hairs on my head and the number of days i'm going to live. amazing. anyway - john settino, you will be missed greatly. you were a sweet guy who always had a way of making people cheer up and see the brighter side of things. i'm blessed to have known you. his death happens to occur shortly before the anniversary of another dear friend of mine who passed away nearly 3 years ago. my dear friend, gordy mercovich. he passed away of a aortic aneurysm and later the doctors found out that he had marfans syndrome. he was an amazingly funny guy and had such a way with people. he made friends anywhere and everywhere he went. everyday i'd send him emails while at work and within seconds he'd respond. it was like instant messaging, without the messenger thing. we had gordy donna mails. oh my dear donna. i need to write her and let her know i'm thinking of her.

also - yesterday my world of warcraft account got hacked into. yes, i'm a nerd. yes i play mmorpg's. yes i play world of warcrack. no i am not ashamed of it. anyway - someone somehow hacked into my account and sold all my stuff. very very unhappy was i. yes. (say that in a yoda voice). i wasn't that upset that all my stuff was gone, although i was pretty bummed by that as a lot of it was stuff that just brought back memories of different times in my life. (i've been playing this game since it started...) i was more upset that someone found out my information and hacked into something that was meant to be private. i felt violated and if you know anything about me, thats a touchy subject for me. knowing that somehow, some random person i don't even know, got my information, waited till i was asleep or not on the game to get on my account, steal stuff (yes i know its fake but its the principle, not the actual fact that the things in the game were valuable. i'm not that lame, i know they are not important) and leave it there for me to find. lame. and creepy.

oh and i got potential bad news but i won't divulge into that now. i will wait until i know for sure. so until then, you'll have to remain in suspense. mwahaha.

so since i was having such a crappy day, bud and i drowned our sorrows in pizza and the big bang theory. might i add, this is probably one of my new favorite sitcoms ever! it is so perfect. the writers are geniuses! and its really quite clean considering it has the potential to be another raunchy comedy show on tv. i'm glad that the sex jokes are kept to a minimum. its a show i could recommend to my parents without saying "sorry about that episode..." so maybe i will. i'll have to have them watch it.

today bud and i went to a different church. i did miss hearing pastor bruce speak, but the message today at the new church was excellent and i did love that its a smaller congregation. we were able to fellowship with the members and get to know some of them. i think we'll end up there. its an OPC which is orthodox presbyterian. we've done a complete 180 in the realm of churches since bud and i started dating. we started at a non-denominational community church in san marcos. then we started doing calvary chapel. then we went to crossweave which is lacking-denomination. then to PCA (presbyterian church of america) and now we're at the orthodox. wow. who knew i'd be comfortable going to a church where head coverings are actually a topic of discussion and doctrine isn't something thats left up to the pastor (i'm not saying that all the churches i went to before now are like that. especially not crossweave. we served their happily and we miss them so much. they are still our church family. we love you guys!) and the other elders. just sayin'. we've been to a heap of churches.

now i'm talking to my friend becky whom i love. you all should love becky too. she's pretty with great hair and a sweet little boy whom i love! brody is the man!!!

but now i must go to sleep. i have to get up early and its already 10:40pm. i thought i'd go to bed earlier but becky told me to write a blog so i am. but now she has to read it and i demand that she post a comment. and not just a "see i read it and here's your comment" type thing. because that is something she would do.

okay. i am out. i will leave you with an awesome quote from the big bang theory:

sheldon - " scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons spock, spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves spock, spock vaporizes rock and as it always has, rock crushes scissors."

go watch. its excellent. k now i sleep for real. goodnight. byebye.

i guarantee that this won't be a very interesting blog, seeing as its 12:08am and i'm exhausted. anyway. so whats happened within the last 24 hours since i last wrote on this here blog? well hmm... an amazing friend blessed me with a gift that i'll be receiving in about a week or so. he is the coolness. cool of the ness. almost like the lochness... but less monster and more cool. what am i saying? ignore that. oh and we came up with the word sleepypants (actually he came up with it and i agreed that it was a good word). sleepypants.

i went to work and worked 14 hours. at least the girls were, for the most part, well behaved and didn't cause me to want to rip every strand of hair out of my head. bud brought me cake at lunch and then he surprised me with sushi for dinner. oh he knows the way to my heart. he came and spent the evening with me at my work and we watched the big bang theory. i LOVE that show. its pretty ridiculously funny. then we ate coldstone ice cream. i'm pretty sure i've had way too many calories today.

i got home and found my neighbor outside chatting on the phone. but then we ended up talking for like a half hour! she's very nice and is going through a lot, so i hope that i can help out or at least just be an ear to listen. i also hope that i can show her Christ through my actions and through my life and that God will speak through me.

now i'm talking to my dear friend becky. she is awesome.

i think i will end this now. goodnight world. ciao.

i'm finally getting around to updating and installing things on my computer. since i got my computer back i haven't spent that much time on it, which is kind of ironic. i've been so tired and working a lot, been trying to cook and i've come to a point in my life that i don't want to sit in front of the computer, eat and gain back the 26 pounds i've lost. it is so easy to gain weight but so hard to get rid of it. blah. so i don't spend that much time on my computer. that and i got an iPhone and really, i do most of my computin' on that little gadget. it was probably one of the best purchases bud and i have made this year. actually, we purchased them last year but still - you know what i mean. today was crazy. the babies were in a funk (its got to be the fact that they are teething and they are nearing the 1 year mark. which means they are crawling and feeling more independent which means they will try to test their boundaries a little bit further now) so i spent a lot of time trying to distract them from the constant screaming they were doing today. hopefully tomorrow will be a little better. i think i work a double tomorrow, but i don't remember if rhonda and i decided if i'd be doing that this week or if we'd be doing it next week. i guess i'll find out tomorrow. anyway - if i do, it will be a LONG day tomorrow.

last night bud was super sweet and peeled and cut up carrots and potatoes for me so i could make a pot roast in our $10 crockpot. this morning when i woke up, i put the meet, veggies and a few other ingredients in the crockpot, put the lid on and put it on low. it cooked for 12 hours and when we ate it, i didn't even need a knife to cut it. it fell apart and was delicious. i'm really happy with the way it turned out! hooray! i need to start making more things in the crockpot. this is when my dear friend joni chimes in and says "yes! use the crockpot lady!!"

my bed looks so inviting right now and its not even 9pm. i feel so old! like really, what 26 year old goes to bed at 9pm and is still tired the next day. really though - california needs to hurry up and send me the title to my jeep so i can transfer everything over to maryland. then i can finally get on some state assisted health insurance and get to a doctor. i'd like to get a physical and see a gynecologist. i know i know, to all my male friends who may be reading this - thats not something you want to think about. but really - i need to get all parts of me checked out. i haven't been to a doctor who i could actually sit down and discuss things with since i moved to california. if we had stayed in california, april 22 would have been my 7th year living in california. so really - i lived in california just shy 7 years and never got health insurance or a doctor to call my own. so i'm hoping that once i get things situated and "marylandized" i can get a doctor. it'd be amazing if i could go back to my old doctor. she's an amazing lady and still checks on me via my mother who still goes to see her. oh dr. jett how i love you and hope we can meet again soon!

well - i guess thats it for now. becky was unable to come over tonight and i'm sad about that. but i don't know how much fun i'd be since i'm so tired. i literally got home, read the bible and discussed some things from my readings today with my husband and then planted myself on the couch and watched stupid television until dinner was done at almost 7. mind you i get home at 4:30 everyday. so you do the math, at how much time i've been relaxing. alright - gonna go brush my teeth, drink some water, watch this video bud just sent me via facebook chat and probably call it a night. ciao all.

i have so much on my mind and a lot of it i am not really in a place to talk about at leisure. for my husbands comfort, i mean. its not about him so don't worry. i am not holding back some sort of frustration towards him that i don't want to spread around. there is no dirty laundry here folks. well, there is but its sitting in the hamper waiting to be cleaned. hopefully we get around to that soon as i've almost completely run out of clean socks! my dear, oh my, no clean socks! anyway - my mind is running a million miles a moment and i have been dreaming and daydreaming about all sorts of things and my emotions are running high. but alas, i will steer away from this because i'm being so cryptic and vague that i'm annoying myself, so i'm sure its annoying to you readers.

today i caught up on my devotionals for this week and let me say it was SO nice to get back in the groove of reading my bible. its so sad that i'm so sporadic with my devotionals. when i read my bible and when i spend time with the Lord like i'm supposed to, i always feel relieved, i fight less with my husband, i stress less and mostly i realize that at that moment, i'm living my life worthy of the call the Lord has put on my life. that call being growing in the knowledge of the Lord and growing in my faith of the Gospel and wanting to see it spread to the ends of the earth. at my church we're starting 1 corinthians and the first part of chapter 1 is about how the church is not just a mess but a mystery. and how the church is the body of Christ so the devotionals given out (they give devotionals out each week in the bulletins) we're talking about unity in the body of Christ. so the past 3 days have been based on the following scriptures: psalm 133, ephesians 4:1-10 & ephesians 4:11-16. i learned all sorts of things and really, it re-infused the fact that as a body - we all have our different parts and roles but when we work together, when we work with patience and understanding and grace, we will see grace and live out in the grace God has given us. we will work together better and we will build the body up in the love. the love that God gave us, according to His call on our lives. amazing.

i have been listening to josh groban a lot today and i love him. if you don't know that then i don't think we've been friends for that long. i have been in love with that man for so long. don't worry - its a love thats no where near the same as the love i have for my husband. its an "oh my gosh, you're an amazing singer and an inspiration!!!" type of love. anyway - i love singing along with him and making harmonies and such. its good for my voice to stay strong when i'm not using it each week like i was in california. i do miss crossweave.

i made baked chicken tonight for dinner with rice, salad and garlic bread slices. i made it like bud's mom, to give him a taste of home. i know that he likes being here and that his home is where i am (and vice versa), but i'm sure he misses his family and i'm sure he likes to have a little bit of old home mixed with the new home. he said it was good and was just like how his mom cooks it so that made me a very happy camper. well i guess i am going to hit the road for now. its nearly 9pm and i usually try to get into bed by then. it never happens, but i try! i've been so tired lately i just want to sleep. i find myself with heavy eyes while laying on the floor playing with the babies at work. some times they play and my eyes get so heavy they drop for like a second. then i panic and my adrenaline wakes me up because i feel like i fell asleep at work. you can't fall asleep at work when you're watching twin infants that are on the cusp of toddler-ness. anyway - that is all for now. goodnight and until next time. byebye.

i love my husband. i love my puppy. i love my kitty. i love my family (my side). i love my family (bud's side). i love my church. i love my home. i love living in maryland. i love my friends (and miss a great many of them).

i'm an emotional wreck lately. the past week, a day hasn't gone by where i haven't gotten choked up and teary eyed over something. today it was a simple prayer of a little boy named augustine. yesterday it was a video of a couple telling their parents they were having a baby and the joy on the grandparents faces! its getting really ridiculous. i really hate being an emotional roller coaster and i think i'm possibly driving my husband nuts because of my ups and downs. i just pray that these emotions will chill out. i don't necessarily like crying for no reason or for silly reasons. i mean, i cried during a saved by the bell episode this week. really? its pretty interesting.

as i wrote before, i've been thinking about babies a lot. if and when bud and i get pregnant i truly want to go about everything the natural way. ESPECIALLY the labor/delivery part. after researching and watching videos of water births for years, this one sealed the deal for me. i saw it almost 3 years ago and have been reading the blog of this remarkable woman. just seeing the beauty, the amazing emotions and love on her and her husbands face, and all - it sealed the deal. but now i wanted to speak out about it. what an amazing way to have your child. naturally and in a calm setting, surrounded by people who love you (i'm hoping to have bud, my mom, and mama joni there) and being able to do things at your own pace. no drugs, no bright lights. if all goes well, thats the way bud and i plan to go about it. the difference between a hospital birth and a home (or natural birthing center) birth are incredibly substantial. in a hospital setting, everything is so rushed and very medically oriented. a home birth is very serene and personal. so i'm praying that we're able to do that, whenever i get pregnant.

'i've got chills. they're multiplying and i'm loosing control... you better shape up, 'cause i need a man. but my heart is set on you...' oh how i love listening to a RENT station on pandora. i get all sorts of fun songs to listen too. lost is on in 4 minutes, so i guess i should get going soon.

my husband is standing in the doorway to the bathroom singing (very emphatically) along *silently* to 'defying gravity' from the musical wicked and i was just summoned to the television because the movie is on. that was a quick 4 minutes. so i guess i shall go. real quick: work was good today and yesterday. sort of can't believe tomorrow is wednesday. this week is going kind of quickly. lots of stuff on my mind that makes the days feel SO slow, but in reality the week goes by quickly. i don't know if that makes sense. okay - LOST! time to go. ciao.

IS EVER GONNA BRING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN.

so i know i mentioned that we were getting our new bed. i thought we were getting it on saturday but plans fell through. so we got it today! i'm so excited. i'm going to take a shower real quick and then get in bed and sleep on the new awesomeness. its bigger and has more support than the bed we were previously sleeping on, so yes, we're very excited! i'm hoping this helps my back and that also i will sleep more soundly. lately i've been waking up several times a night. its kind of frustrating. some of it is because my lungs are full of sludge due to allergies. the pollen count has been crazy lately. but the trees are gorgeous and the skies have been awesome. we had some spring rains the other day too. if you're not from the east coast, what i'm talking about are short extremely heavy rain showers that last about 10 minutes and then they stop. they keep happening throughout the evening like that. i love it. it makes the air smell so nice and cools things down.

i've been thinking about babies lately and i know thats odd because i work with babies all day and you'd think that i'd try not too. but i can't help it. there are so many things on my mind regarding children and the hopes bud and i have to expand our family someday. but i was thinking of awesome ways to tell family we're having a baby (if/when that day comes) and i'm not sure what we'd do. i know when telling MY parents it would need to be something sweet and cutesy. but for bud's side of the family, it needs to be something EPIC! and i think something more epic than sending bibs that say I <3 my grandpa/grandma/uncle/aunt. anyway - just thinking. i think its because so many of my friends are pregnant or just had babies that i am on a baby high.

we went to our church yesterday. we hadn't been for a while because things kept coming up and for easter we visited my brother bob's church on the eastern shore. at our church we are starting the book of 1 corinthians and it looks like we'll be going through it for the next 7 months or so. i love that we'll be spending a substantial amount of time on it and that we will get a really good idea at what the books about, what the church is and how its supposed to function and what its purpose is and such. i'm really excited to be at this church. now if only we can get the motivation to get to bible studies and meet people there so we're not loners. if you can, pray for mine and buds motivation to get out there and meet people. we've been burned so many times by people and churches that we're kind of keeping to ourselves. we have at least 2 years here before we move back to asia and i don't want to be totally anti-social and i don't want to have no fellowship with my church family other than seeing some people on sunday mornings. anyway - thats a serious prayer we have right now. we need to trust the Lord and we need to also realize that the church is broken, just like our pastor talked about on sunday.

well - i need to shower. then i'm going to hopefully spend some time with the husband and fall asleep on the wonderful new bed. hooray! no pictures today. sorry!! maybe tomorrow i'll post some of the trees and such. okie dokie. love you all. ciao bella.

i don't really have much to talk about today. the babies were little monsters today. always when i get to thinking how wonderful babies are, i'm reminded suddenly that they are little monsters of iniquity!!!! sweet and i love them and nothing changes that - but BAH! bud and i had a lot of needless arguments today. it was just an off day all around and i'd rather just go to sleep, wake up and try again tomorrow. tomorrow we go to my brothers to babysit! but before then we get our new bed! woohoo! it came in 5 days early! hooray!!! well - for now i guess i'm done and i'll talk more tomorrow. sorry that this is a weak update. i'm just super tired and i'm ready to go to bed. ciao.

i'm wearing a new outfit! i bought it online from old navy and i got the size that i thought i wore. but apparently, i have lost enough weight to put me in a lower pants size and shirt size! thats very exciting news to me. its always exciting to see that number on the tag of your pants go DOWN instead of up. it was really encouraging and i called my parents with excitement just to tell them the great news. i'm such a nerd.

today i went to the adoption with the gillingwater family. it was VERY cool and we got the chance to hang out in downtown annapolis for a little while afterwards too. we went to chick & ruths delly and i had a crab & cheese omelet. it was fantastic! it filled me up nicely too. i had it at 10:30am and didn't have anything to eat until 6pm when it was dinner time. i simply was not hungry until then. i took a heap of pictures and put them on my facebook of the festivities. the girls were dressed super cute in little pink dresses (non-matching) and were really on great behavior! i was so proud of them. when we returned home at nearly 1pm, i put the babies down for a nap and they took a REALLY good nap. they had such an exciting day that they were fried. leila fell asleep in her jumperoo. it was SO cute. then i came home which is when i got my new outfit. i've had a great day. its been a fast but fun day. tomorrow is friday which is nice, a couple days to rest. saturday, bud and i will babysit for my brother so he can take his wife out on a date. i'm sure that it is LONG overdue. i'm happy to do it for them and they seldom get the chance to go out, just the two of them and actually enjoy one another. donna got a sweet new job at a gastroenterology office and she will finally be able to spend quality time with her kids and husband (my brother bob). i'm really excited for them.

i'm super tired and i don't know why. i'm not sure if its because its so hot or because i was really active, or if its both but i've been so tired. i was so tired i drank an iced coffee and i hardly drink coffee these days. i know right, YOU??? NOT DRINK COFFEE?? i used to be an avid coffee drinker but now i stick with teas. all sorts of teas. herbal teas, black teas, indian spiced teas. i love them. and tea has caffeine so it will keep me awake, but rhonda makes her coffee extremely strong, so i drank some of that and it did the trick to take the edge of sleepiness off.

i'm thinking i will get into bed on time tonight since i'm so sleepy and really i don't have much else to do. i put away the clean clothes and such. we'll see if i think of something to do right before i go to bed (which is usually the case) that ends up keeping me up.

downtown annapolis was the place to be today. it was absolutely gorgeous outside and there was a nice breeze which kept the heat down when we were down by the water. let me see if i can post a picture... i am not sure how to do that. **insert jeopardy music**


this picture was taken on my iPhone. its of ego alley. if only the water turned up a little brighter, i think the picture would have been out of this world. sometimes i am able to take great pictures, other times, not so much. and if i had known it was so easy to post pictures on blogs now, i think i would have been doing it a lot more often. so be expecting some pictures in upcoming blogs.

i have a friend and his fiancée coming over on tuesday and he is a vegetarian/vegan (not sure which) so i need to figure out what to make. i want it to be something amazing as i love to cook amazing food but i've never cooked anything like that. i was thinking either an asaparagus tart or maybe some indian food. who knows. we'll have to see.

anyway, its 1 minute to 9:00pm and i should be brushing my teeth and getting into bed so i guess i'll attempt to do that. goodnight all. i love you and will write to you again soon. agapé.