are deep and sacred. many things i keep to myself, other things i only share with my husband and then there are things i share with a select few. there are certain things that i'll keep inside for a while and then i'll resolve it within my heart and feel as though i can share it. this particular thought is one of those. i'm so blessed by the people in my life. i love them and when i love, i love with as much as it is humanly possible to love. when they hurt or are angry, i hurt and feel anger with them. when someone i love is crying, i cry with them. i feel so much and so often. as the days go by, i feel as though i am absorbing everyones feelings into myself, i feel as if more things affect me now then they used to. one of my dearest friends is going through a lot right now and there is NOTHING i can do to help her. granted, she is in good spirits and she has a family and friends who support her, so i know she will be okay. but i feel like i may be feeling the same anger and frustration that she is feeling. how is that even possible. i understand being sympathetic and empathetic towards someone but its almost as if i take on what they are feeling onto myself and weep, scream and implode a little bit. why?
on the other hand, while i'm feeling these things, i have my own hearts desires and longings that i deal with as well. i want so badly to be pregnant and have a family of my own. i am kind of excited for fertility treatments starting at the beginning of 2011. but to be honest, i'm not looking forward to it at the same time. no one wants to hear, oh you have problems conceiving, oh this is wrong and we need to do this to TRY to fix it. and i feel like this is a huge chunk of what i talk about or write about on my blogs as of late and i am sorry. i don't want this to consume me and to be honest, it doesn't. but it is a daily thought, desire, concern. i'm not stressed - but i'm just so scared to get involved with something that i know a) we cannot afford b) may not end with positive results c) is a long arduous process. i have friends who started trying to have babies around the same time as me and have already had their babies. i have friends who started a little before me, got pregnant, had their baby, and its been a few months and now they are pregnant with baby number 2. i am overjoyed for them, so happy for all the love and new lives being brought into this world. but my heart aches at the same time. my maternal arms are empty. my heart yearns to go through pregnancy, go through labor and delivery, and go through all the lovely firsts that all parents go through.
all the while, i'm thinking of my friends and family and wondering if there is anything i can do to help or to just give them some joy in their life. i'm thinking of my job and school and wondering what in the world is my life going to amount to and when bud and i are going to get to hong kong. i'm thinking about learning cantonese and becoming a member of our denomination. i'm thinking of friends in different countries and states and longing to see them and hang out and talk. i am thinking. i am wondering. i am desiring.
it seems it doesn't take much to make me cry anymore. it doesn't take much to wound me. it doesn't take much to get me tired and fed up. i am tired right now. i don't like being this fragile. i don't like feeling this vulnerable. why do i feel this way. why am i still typing? sorry to anyone who is reading this. i'm just rambling and rambling. i'm tired. its 9:38 and i need to sleep. goodnight.