today was a better day. thankfully i woke up less depressed than i was yesterday. i feel i owe a little bit of explanation for the lack of my post yesterday... life is incredibly intense right now in a lot of areas. i'm planning parties for my best friend of 22 years wedding. i'm taking classes at the local community college (this is a big deal to a person who hasn't done any sort of schooling in over 6 years) and i'm trying to juggle that along with working over 40 hours a week for a very interesting family. add to that, i'm starting the infertility trek of my life. there are several fertility tests that will be happening within the next month or so and while i am happy to get things checked out and get a good picture of what we are dealing with in regards to fertility and the hopes of having children, its still a very hard thing for me to handle. if you know me, even in the smallest of ways, you know that i have a huge heart for children and would love to have a family of my own. unfortunately, i have endometriosis which is an awful condition that affects fertility. i also may have polycystic ovarian syndrome. so the two of those things paired together makes for very slim chances of babies in mine and my husbands future.
yes, i know there are a lot of options out there. but those options are so very expensive and while i know children are expensive, couple children being expensive with fertility treatments... it makes it almost impossible for someone in our position. we're not destitute. we can handle raising a child financially. but we are not prepared to go and spend thousands of dollars to try and make having a baby a reality. at least not at this point in our lives. however, with my condition, the sooner i have children, the better. as my condition progresses, the older i get, the more difficult it will be for me to get pregnant and carry a child to term. so while i'm "still young" as my doctors put it, i am not naive to think that my fertile clock is ticking faster than someone else my age. its just a reality that i've accepted.
all this is a lot to take in. its a lot for me to handle. and while i know that i have an amazing support system of friends, family, an amazing husband, and above all else - i have the LORD who is for me and not against me: it unfortunately was not helping me yesterday. that sounds awful, i know. but i just want to be honest with where i was yesterday. my desire to be a mother, to carry a child to term, to experience pregnancy 100% is huge. i've had it since i was a little girl. ever since i knew i was going to marry my husband, i wanted to be able to give him a family, to make him a daddy (he will be an amazing one!). i want to be able to give his parents grandchildren, to add to the grandkids my parents already have. and while i'm not being pressured at all, i think i may be putting pressure on myself. i was feeling so alone and as if i had a weight on me that just wouldn't lift. but that was yesterday.
today - i woke up in a better mood and instantly started doing school work. i've gotten about half way through my english project due on monday. i finished up my essay on the salem witchcraft trials - which came out pretty good if i do say so myself. and now i'm writing up this blog! what else did i do today. oh i went and visited bud at work so we could have dinner together and that was nice. we had chicken teryaki (and i had a few pieces of mall sushi - its not that bad. but its no joss or fuji.) and sat on a comfy couch. i also have been listening to worship music a lot today and i think that is a big part of why i'm feeling so much better. i'm pressing on and trusting in the Lord and praising him in the storm. thanking Him for the gift of salvation and for being there, even when i feel he's so far away. so that was my day. and that was what was going on yesterday. love to you all. enjoy the song below... its one that i've played about 20 times today.
yes, i know there are a lot of options out there. but those options are so very expensive and while i know children are expensive, couple children being expensive with fertility treatments... it makes it almost impossible for someone in our position. we're not destitute. we can handle raising a child financially. but we are not prepared to go and spend thousands of dollars to try and make having a baby a reality. at least not at this point in our lives. however, with my condition, the sooner i have children, the better. as my condition progresses, the older i get, the more difficult it will be for me to get pregnant and carry a child to term. so while i'm "still young" as my doctors put it, i am not naive to think that my fertile clock is ticking faster than someone else my age. its just a reality that i've accepted.
all this is a lot to take in. its a lot for me to handle. and while i know that i have an amazing support system of friends, family, an amazing husband, and above all else - i have the LORD who is for me and not against me: it unfortunately was not helping me yesterday. that sounds awful, i know. but i just want to be honest with where i was yesterday. my desire to be a mother, to carry a child to term, to experience pregnancy 100% is huge. i've had it since i was a little girl. ever since i knew i was going to marry my husband, i wanted to be able to give him a family, to make him a daddy (he will be an amazing one!). i want to be able to give his parents grandchildren, to add to the grandkids my parents already have. and while i'm not being pressured at all, i think i may be putting pressure on myself. i was feeling so alone and as if i had a weight on me that just wouldn't lift. but that was yesterday.
today - i woke up in a better mood and instantly started doing school work. i've gotten about half way through my english project due on monday. i finished up my essay on the salem witchcraft trials - which came out pretty good if i do say so myself. and now i'm writing up this blog! what else did i do today. oh i went and visited bud at work so we could have dinner together and that was nice. we had chicken teryaki (and i had a few pieces of mall sushi - its not that bad. but its no joss or fuji.) and sat on a comfy couch. i also have been listening to worship music a lot today and i think that is a big part of why i'm feeling so much better. i'm pressing on and trusting in the Lord and praising him in the storm. thanking Him for the gift of salvation and for being there, even when i feel he's so far away. so that was my day. and that was what was going on yesterday. love to you all. enjoy the song below... its one that i've played about 20 times today.
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