can you believe that if hope had survived, i'd have a 5 year old (well... if she had gone to full term, she'd be turning 5 shortly). she'd be beautiful and wonderful and probably starting school in the fall! wow. life would be so different. i can't help but think about it. a lot of things happened today and this one is on my mind the most. at the end of this entry, i'll fill you in on what happened today. but first how i'm feeling. i haven't posted a blog on how i'm feeling in a while. most of them have just been updates and little blurbs here and there. so here comes one of my up close and personal entries.
today - may 9, 2010. mother's day.
i woke up and the first thing i did was read a devotional. then i had a few minutes before i had to get out of bed to get ready for church. i checked my facebook on my iPhone. everyone had plastered "happy mother's day" everywhere. now if you know me, you know that my mom is one of my best friends. i cherish her and she has been pretty much one of my only constants in my ever changing life. she has stuck by me through thick and thin and i love her more and more each day. i am so thankful to have a mother like her. unfortunately - my first thought was a selfish one. not a great way to start off the morning, i know. my heart was already being prepared having read a devotional, but i allowed myself to get me-centered and thats all it took. instead of thinking - HOORAY!!! HAPPY MOMMY'S DAY! i thought... another mother's day and i have no child to hold in my arms.
to add to my longing and pain, 2 friends of mine came out today that they are having a baby. let me count real fast how many of my friends are having children or JUST had a child: i have 18 friends currently that i can count that have just had a child or just found out they were pregnant. and i am happy and envious at the same time. i wish i could just be happy for them. and truly, i am happy for them. any child that is brought into this world is a blessing to those around him/her and is an important part of our society. but i long to have the joy that they have. i long to have a child that was made from love and respect and made by the hand of God. i want this so badly. and i know that the longer that i try to take control of this, the more i will be waiting for it to happen, if God wants it to happen at all. i just need to trust God knows best. and I DO know that... and i know that my hearts desire should be one thing and one thing only - to have God, to see Him glorified in and through my life. and i do long for that. i need to focus on that. i was reminded of that today at church. "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." i must decrease and He must increase. i need that and i need to remember these things. but that doesn't make it easier right now. and i know God understands my longing. but really i need to get my priorities straight. started my period today... of all days... theres few days where i can start my period and it not affect me but today is one of those days where it does. sorry if thats TMI, but its the truth.
anyway - my heart is longing to hold a child of my own. i love watching other people's children. i love children in general. but sometimes, its like salt in a wound. the babies i watch love me. i love them. we have a great time and they trust me and know that i care for them. they feel secure with me. BUT. i am not their mommy and its very obvious. and thats the way it should be. i will NEVER EVER try to creep in on someone else's child. thats just ridiculous. but every now and then it stings... because i still don't know what it feels like to walk into a room with a child that is mine and see them so happy to see me that they instantly reach out to hold me and me hold them. bah. anyway - thats how i'm feeling. and i know a few people in my life would suggest things like "surrogacy" and "in-vetro" but i don't agree with either of those things. if you want to ask me about it, i'll explain. but i don't feel like touching that here. i do believe in adoption though, and that is a viable option for me one day, i hope.
so anyway, on to something not depressing. went to church. it was awesome. the missionaries from Northern China were there and it was awesome to hear of the work they are doing! God is very much moving and doing great things. it did drive my heart into overdrive on wanting to be back in Hong Kong. after church we came home. church lasted from 11am-3:30. 2 services. one was a normal service and the second was a demonstration of whats going on in china. awesome to hear. so once we were home, i was so tired bud made me tacos in bed and went to the store while i watched reruns of the big bang theory. when he got home, we got ourselves caught up on heroes. we're starting to really get caught up on all the shows that we missed out on watching when we were apart for 3 months! hooray for getting caught up. i don't know when we'll be caught up with our anime though. bleach will take a while i think. anyhow... that is that. now i must get to bed before i stay up way too late again and end up hating life in the morning. work tomorrow. then a night at the gym while bud is out at a show. it will be fun i'm sure. i'm praying that I will decrease and God will increase and that He will be glorified through my life this week. praying that He will bless me with a little one soon and that bud and i can start to add to our little family we already have. until another time - i'm off to bed. goodnight all. much love!
today - may 9, 2010. mother's day.
i woke up and the first thing i did was read a devotional. then i had a few minutes before i had to get out of bed to get ready for church. i checked my facebook on my iPhone. everyone had plastered "happy mother's day" everywhere. now if you know me, you know that my mom is one of my best friends. i cherish her and she has been pretty much one of my only constants in my ever changing life. she has stuck by me through thick and thin and i love her more and more each day. i am so thankful to have a mother like her. unfortunately - my first thought was a selfish one. not a great way to start off the morning, i know. my heart was already being prepared having read a devotional, but i allowed myself to get me-centered and thats all it took. instead of thinking - HOORAY!!! HAPPY MOMMY'S DAY! i thought... another mother's day and i have no child to hold in my arms.
to add to my longing and pain, 2 friends of mine came out today that they are having a baby. let me count real fast how many of my friends are having children or JUST had a child: i have 18 friends currently that i can count that have just had a child or just found out they were pregnant. and i am happy and envious at the same time. i wish i could just be happy for them. and truly, i am happy for them. any child that is brought into this world is a blessing to those around him/her and is an important part of our society. but i long to have the joy that they have. i long to have a child that was made from love and respect and made by the hand of God. i want this so badly. and i know that the longer that i try to take control of this, the more i will be waiting for it to happen, if God wants it to happen at all. i just need to trust God knows best. and I DO know that... and i know that my hearts desire should be one thing and one thing only - to have God, to see Him glorified in and through my life. and i do long for that. i need to focus on that. i was reminded of that today at church. "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." i must decrease and He must increase. i need that and i need to remember these things. but that doesn't make it easier right now. and i know God understands my longing. but really i need to get my priorities straight. started my period today... of all days... theres few days where i can start my period and it not affect me but today is one of those days where it does. sorry if thats TMI, but its the truth.
anyway - my heart is longing to hold a child of my own. i love watching other people's children. i love children in general. but sometimes, its like salt in a wound. the babies i watch love me. i love them. we have a great time and they trust me and know that i care for them. they feel secure with me. BUT. i am not their mommy and its very obvious. and thats the way it should be. i will NEVER EVER try to creep in on someone else's child. thats just ridiculous. but every now and then it stings... because i still don't know what it feels like to walk into a room with a child that is mine and see them so happy to see me that they instantly reach out to hold me and me hold them. bah. anyway - thats how i'm feeling. and i know a few people in my life would suggest things like "surrogacy" and "in-vetro" but i don't agree with either of those things. if you want to ask me about it, i'll explain. but i don't feel like touching that here. i do believe in adoption though, and that is a viable option for me one day, i hope.
so anyway, on to something not depressing. went to church. it was awesome. the missionaries from Northern China were there and it was awesome to hear of the work they are doing! God is very much moving and doing great things. it did drive my heart into overdrive on wanting to be back in Hong Kong. after church we came home. church lasted from 11am-3:30. 2 services. one was a normal service and the second was a demonstration of whats going on in china. awesome to hear. so once we were home, i was so tired bud made me tacos in bed and went to the store while i watched reruns of the big bang theory. when he got home, we got ourselves caught up on heroes. we're starting to really get caught up on all the shows that we missed out on watching when we were apart for 3 months! hooray for getting caught up. i don't know when we'll be caught up with our anime though. bleach will take a while i think. anyhow... that is that. now i must get to bed before i stay up way too late again and end up hating life in the morning. work tomorrow. then a night at the gym while bud is out at a show. it will be fun i'm sure. i'm praying that I will decrease and God will increase and that He will be glorified through my life this week. praying that He will bless me with a little one soon and that bud and i can start to add to our little family we already have. until another time - i'm off to bed. goodnight all. much love!
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