songbird says stuff...

what is "the church" coming to?

Posted by christin joy | | 3/23/2008 02:56:00 AM

in these days that christians call the last days, the days the seem to creep closer and closer to the return of our King, what are people more worried about. what are people really spending their times wondering, studying and concerning themselves with. i could just use the cliche topic of "the church today is concerning themselves with the latest fashions and the latest gossip of who's who in hollywood these days." i know that people concern themselves with that, i know that people are so concerned with the things of this world. but what i'm referring to is the mere fact that Jesus is being marketed and merchandised as if He were your "next big thing" in hollywood. christians are selling the name of Christ and disguising it as "ways to get people's attention" in the world to tell them about Jesus. now, don't get me wrong - i'm okay with christian t-shirts and the like, i think they are cute and a nice alternative to some of the trashy things out there that are available. but what i'm mostly talking about is that the world is publishing a God that they don't know anything about. sure a lot of people can slap christian fish on their cars and claim to be a "christian", they may even go to church on sundays, be able to quote scripture, sing worship, go on missions trips, and they can still not really know who Jesus is, who God is and what role the Holy Spirit has in your life. the problem stems from the fact that people are noting their spirituality and their "christianity" in regards to other people, not in relation to Jesus Christ.

"The terrible condition of man's heart will never be recognized by people who assess it only in relation to other men." - john piper

i know that, for example: in america - people want to call this a nation that was founded on the gospel of Jesus Christ. people act as though because we have these megachurches and a lot of people who profess the name of Christ that we're okay. that if you go to church on sunday, if you say the sinner's prayer - then you're safe. that you're going to go to heaven, that you're "Christ's body." but i want to make something clear. a prayer doesn't save you. going to church does not save you. what saves you is a true repentance of heart, a true understanding that without Christ, we're doomed, which can only be granted to us by God's sovereign favor (grace)! we're not able to win our ways into heaven, work our way into heaven, be a good person and get into heaven. the world today does not fear and tremble before the God of the universe. they have made God a gigantic teddy bear who will make all things great for you. they have made God this image of what the WORLD views as true love. but if the world truly knew who God was, they would tremble and fear for their lives and be on their face pleading for forgiveness. if the world understood who God was, why would anyone be anything but reverent and have a holy fear before the God of all creations, the one that could snuff out this whole world if He so desired. but the world doesn't see it like that.

man is inherently evil, we're born into sin and its only by grace that we can be saved from eternal damnation. "I know that no good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh." - romans 7:18. in the flesh, we can try to do good, but the Bible says anything done not in faith is sin. flesh is man's natural self - outside of the grace of God. i know what you are thinking, you're thinking "well, Christin, i said a prayer, i don't do bad things, i'm a good person - so i'm okay, i'm going to heaven." but what i want to plead is that if you are not doing "good" out of reliance and to the glory of God, if you're not doing these things because the almighty saving grace of God has fully compelled you to do these things, then i'm sorry but its nothing but chaff in the wind. Jesus wants to burn up that chaff, replace all that is you and replace it with Him, but its not a prayer or a "good lifestyle" that will do that for you. only true conversion, only the true acceptance of God's irresistable grace, understanding that apart from God we can do NO good as we are totally depraved. understanding that as God's church we have been and are His elect and have been spared a life cut off from him. knowing that God shows no partiality, all have sinned, all have fallen short, no one is "good." all of us are depraved and cannot come to God without accepting and being born again, by God's grace that ONLY comes through the sacrifice of Christ and the shedding of His blood which is the propitiation of our sins, then as John Piper states it perfectly, "... salvation of any of us is owing to God's election." and that there is no condition in which we can strive to achieve that warrants God to choose us and save us.

"There will be tribulation and distress for every human being who does evil, the Jew first and also the Greek, but glory and honor and peace for everyone who does good, the Jew first and also the Greek. For God shows no partiality. For all who have sinned without the law will also perish without the law, and all who have sinned under the law will be judged by the law. For it is not the hearers of the law who are righteous before God, but the doers of the law who will be justified." - Romans 2:9-13 (continue reading this chapter for even more clarification)

"I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion. So it depends not upon man's will or exertion, but upon God's mercy." - Romans 9:15-16

i know that this seems a lot more harsh than what you're probably used to hearing me say. i know that i have preached "Christ crucified" and have told people that "God is love." and the statement in and of itself is true. but i have explained it with a flawed sense of love. i did not understand it and comprehend it for what it truly means. God is not a "sky fairy" (as quoted by mark driscoll) who by the wave of a wand, makes all things wonderful. its quite the opposite. God has every right to allow us to burn us up along with the chaff of this world. He could wipe us out for all our wickedness. our righteousness is but filthy rags. but He does show compassion, we do have a promise and a savior and that savior is Jesus Christ. Jesus came to the earth, lived a sinless life, died a horrible death on a cross, His blood was spilled to cover and wash away sin, rose again and is now eternally triumphant over all his enemies, so that there is now no condemnation for those who believe, but only everlasting joy. without Christ, we are God's enemy and will be condemned for our sin - but by accepting Christ' sacrifice, we are able to really know and taste the grace of our Father, and through Him and ONLY through Him, we can know that we are saved from the very pits of hell. there is full preservation for those that trust in Him.

i don't say this to come off as though i'm trying some fire and brimstone scare tactic. i'm saying this because until recently, although i knew God's love and sacrifice and made Him Lord over my life, i did not have such an understanding of the fullness to what i would talk about. i knew and read the scriptures and understood. but it was like a veil was taken off my eyes, to fully understand the depths of Christ' sacrifice, to fully understand what "God is love" means. i say these things to you in hopes that you will run to Jesus, that you will see how wretched and dirty you are, even when living a "good life" (because without Christ - you are incapable of truly doing GOOD - and i mean good in the sense of what God deems good.) i’m pleading with you to lay down your rebellion, your idea of goodness. i plead that you embrace the gospel that Jesus Christ, the Son of God died for your sins. He was raised on the third day, conquering over all His enemies. that one day he will put all his enemies under his feet. that forgiveness of sins and a right and true standing with God comes freely through him alone, by faith alone. we can do no good and make no "change in our life" to make ourselves more prepared for Jesus. anything that you try to do on your own will, out of your own strength, WILL fail you. the only strength you can fully trust in is the strength that is God ordained, in accordance to His word, in accordance to His gospel. i love you. i'm here for you. but above all, there is One greater that has paved a way for you and His name is Jesus Christ and He loves you more than anyone ever could. and that my friends, is worth more than anything.

inspiration has surfaced.

Posted by christin joy | | 1/15/2008 12:21:00 AM

while life has had its confusion and frustration quite a bit in the past months, the inspiration of hope's refuge has returned. but its returned with a bigger focus on not a specific country but of where to start it. women and children in need of shelter, food & water, a place to call home - its all a little clearer, although its still so far away. a scenario playing over in my head for a client of Hope's Refuge is repeating itself over and over again. i am weary to call it a dream or a vision from the Lord, it could just be that i'm desiring such greatness from the Lord that maybe i am coming up with scenarios.

the story would go like this: a young pregnant woman, maybe in her early 20's, barely over the age of 19, walks through the doors of Hope's Refuge. she has a blank expression on her face, but you can see it in her eyes that something vexes her. she asks to speak to a counselor, someone who can help her make sense of some things she's going through. she sits down. only, she doesn't sit down with just any person, she sits down with me. she sits down and after an introduction of who i am and who she is, she looks at me and tells me that she is pregnant. her boyfriend has left her, her parents have told her that she cannot give birth to a child with no father. she is feeling pressure from from day to day situations. she's so confused as to what is going on. this is when i am able to explain to her the joy and love and grace that the Lord has for her and for her baby. that she is beautiful in the eyes of Jesus and i tell her of the sacrifice He made, for this very moment in her life. i explain that He died so that we might live. He rose from the dead so that we may too rise from the dead and go be with Him in glory. then i move onto to tell her that she is blessed for having given her baby a second chance, by walking through the doors of Hope's Refuge. then explaining why a decision to honor the life of her unborn baby rather than to abort it would benefit her, and i would explain of the horrors of abortion.

letting her read the mission of Hope's Refuge, i then tell her that she is able to stay at Hope's Refuge for the entirety of her pregnancy, that she would have the right to keep her child after the birth or that she also has the right to leave him/her there with us, for a chance of adoption. i'd also explain that she will learn the important things she needs to know to help her live as a single mom in today's society, in her culture and in her personal situation, while staying with Hope's Refuge. i'd offer some counsel for the pain she is feeling without family and a boyfriend to back her up and let her know that where she is, she is part of a family that respects her decision and will help however possible. after the initial interview with said girl, i don't know what happens after that. but i know that she had a wall broken down for her, that she stays at Hope's Refuge, learns how to be a viable part of her childs life, apart of her society's life, as a part of God's family.

the faces of women and children all over the world flash in my mind sometimes. just walking down the streets of Hong Kong, seeing pictures of women and children in africa, just reading articles about these very issues - makes my heart aches. knowing of the children soldiers, the abandoned children, the children with special needs, knowing of women who were raped, women who were hurt physically, women who were abandoned by family and friends - knowing of the abortion rates and statistics... its just so much to take in. sometimes it makes it hard to breathe. even now it seems like what i want to do is such a huge thing that i am going to fail. but i have so many people interested, so many people looking to see this happen - i guess i can't fail. because where i am the weakest, the Lord will send people who are strong. and where i am strong, i will help with those that are weak. and with the team/family effort put forth by the Lord and His children - i know that this is going to work out. i just need to do what i feel is necessary and i need to make the assertions that are necessary. oh Lord, give me the grace and the understanding of all of this. give me my first step. show me what to do. please make the conference be available with whatever job i have when i get back to america and please let that time, help me with how i'm going to respond/move forward. amen. agape.

tabitha (dorcas)... what could it mean?

Posted by christin joy | | 12/16/2007 12:21:00 AM

so maybe a month and a half ago i had a dream. i normally don't look much at my dreams - as they are either filled with bad memories, nonsense or the like. sometimes the dreams are funny, sometimes scary, sad, funny. but at the time when i had this dream, things were being prophesied over me, regarding isaiah 55. so i guess i gave little thought to the dream i had, but like most others i let it go. but recently, at the thought of a dream a dear friend of mine had about her life at this present moment, how vivid it was. how i instructed her to make sure she knew if her dream was of the Lord or if it was an attack. (a friend had already told her this and i was just agreeing). but then it got me thinking back to the dream i had. i don't remember what happened in the dream, i don't recall exactly what happened so i guess that part is lost. but what i do remember, is waking up with the name tabitha on my lips. this was not the typical wake up thinking of someone and realizing i need to pray for them. it was different. (although to cover my bases, i did pray for someone i know with the name tabitha. someone whom i have not spoke with in years.) no, this time it was the feeling that i was being called to be like tabitha, or that my life is to be like tabitha.

i went to a book i had been given just a few months prior to this dream, all the women of the bible. actually, i had bud grab the book and he read it before me. he came into the living room and said 'well if this was a prophecy then it seems like you're going to die and be resurrected.' i was a bit confused, i read a little bit about her and i think i was so confused that i just gave up on that idea. but now with the thought of my friends vivid dream regarding her life, it got me thinking about that dream. i don't understand it, i don't know why i'm re-thinking about it. i don't even know what happened in the dream. i could try to go back to sleep and see if i could "re-dream" it, but thats nearly impossible. well, impossible unless the Lord saw fit to remind me of the dream. maybe i'm thinking of it completely wrong. so today, i looked up "tabitha" in my book again and read the story. (please note: this book is an entertaining way to learn about the life of women of the bible. but i'm not completely sure if the feelings felt by the woman of the bible, according to this book are 100% accurate. i'll have to figure it out as i do more research.) i also read the biblical citation in acts 9:36-42. i think i'll copy the scripture here.

acts 9:36-42 "Now there was in Joppa a disciple named Tabitha, which, translated, means Dorcas. She was full of good works and acts of charity. In those days she became ill and died, and when they had washed her, they laid her in an upper room. Since Lydda was near Joppa, the disciples, hearing that Peter was there, sent two men to him, urging him, "Please come to us without delay." So Peter rose and went with them. And when he arrived, they took him to the upper room. All the widows stood beside him weeping and showing tunics and other garments that Dorcas made while she was with them. But Peter put them all outside, and knelt down and prayed; and turning to the body he said, "Tabitha, arise." And she opened her eyes, and when she saw Peter she sat up. And he gave her his hand and raised her up. Then calling the saints and widows, he presented her alive. And it became known throughout all Joppa, and many believed in the Lord." even now, having reread the scripture and thinking of what was written about tabitha in my book, i'm not sure what to think. i'm not sure how to decipher or to read into this. was it just a dream that i really should think nothing of it? is it something that i should be thinking about, applying to my life somehow? i mean, if you think about it - she was given another chance. she was dead but the Lord saw fit to revive her, to give her more of a chance at life on earth before truly coming Home for good. is this to show me that i need to make more of my life, to show me that there is something i haven't done that i'm supposed to do. i'm not sure.

i do not think that i'm going to die and be resurrected. not that i don't think the Lord is capable, but i don't know if that will happen. if thats in the books for me. i mean, it could be but i'm not sure. so what do i make of it? do i have a gift of some sort of hospitality or some gift i can do by hand that i'm not doing, that i should be doing? do i have a practical ability that i could be doing to show the people the love of Christ, merely through my actions. i know that i do not have words to say. i know that i am not great with words, at least not when speaking them. sometimes i wish i could be a writer. not a famous one, just so that i could write for people while they talk - only putting things in my own words. a professional blogger! doesn't that sound fun. i am not sure, sometimes i don't know where i fit in, in the grand scheme of things. if you have any clue, if you have any idea what it is i should take from this dream - could you give me a hint? i'm kind of at a loss for words. let me know what you think. agape.

i'll stand by you.

Posted by christin joy | | 12/15/2007 01:45:00 PM

if only i could take away the tears and the pain that you're feeling right now. how it hurts my heart to know that you're so broken, that you're life seems to be in shambles. if i could, i'd super glue the pieces back together. if only there was a way to go back in time to where decisions were made, lies were told, deceit was birthed and denial was undeniable. to think that i once broke trust in the same way - i know what it does to people, i know how it makes people feel, i know the pain it causes. looking at the sin of others makes me realize how far off i am from where i should be. i cannot look at someone else and judge with my flesh, because i am just as guilty as any other sinner in this world. i have to use a righteous and spirit guided judgment that is in love, pointing the sinner back to the cross.

i realize that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, this is why i cannot deny my own wretchedness. i know where i am and how far i should be. my discipline is lacking, my passion is fading, the distractions have diminished so now its just a lack of motivation. i miss wednesday nights, i miss my hour long talks with a bridesmaid about the Lord. how i wish my love and i would spend more time focused and devoted to bible study and praise and worship. if only i felt like we were at the church we should be at. look at all these "if only" excuses. "Jesus take the wheel. i'm letting go, give me one more chance. save me from this road i'm on." i just need to do it, i need to stop dwelling on the fact that i'm no where near where i should be, i need to just do it. thats what i'll do. i'll update this with how things go. agape.

a week in america.

Posted by christin joy | | 12/14/2007 12:16:00 AM

a series of shootings scattered across america, all within a week of each other. how are we as Christ's body, to respond to this. as a body, we need to be reminding and asking ourselves, if and when disaster strikes, will we know how to move on, will we know what to do? will we know how to meet the needs of others in the community? tragedy and disastrous occasions are rising in our backyard and we need to be prayed up and ready for the fight.

on december 5 in an omaha, nebraska mall; a 19 year old male opened fired killing 8, wounding 5 others and then turned the gun on himself, resulting in 9 lives lost. this is the second mass shooting in a mall this year (the other happening in february in salt lake city, utah). on december 9, in colorado springs, colorado; a 24 year old male went into new life church and opened fire, wounding 4. this shooting was part of a pair of shootings that happened that day. the first shooting happened 70 miles away in arvada, colorado; where two people were shot and killed in a Youth With A Mission (missionary training school) dormitory. the colorado shootings resulted in 4 wounded people and 4 people being killed, including the gunman who was brought down by church security, at new life church. on december 11, in north las vegas, nevada; 6 young people were shot after getting off a school bus that left from a high school. one suffered critical injuries. the police are investigating and suspect gang affiliation.

i will not bring up gun control, right to bear arms, and the like because that is not the source of the problem. yes, guns are some how landing in the hands of angry, insecure and unsafe people. but again, that is not what is causing the problems. i refuse to make this a political issue allowing the media to vehemently point fingers and look for someone to blame. the source is the lack of Jesus in the world. no metal detector or revised gun law is going to solve the problem. we need Jesus, we need new hearts. just as God talks about the new hearts of israel in ezekiel 11:19 "And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh". this should be what we are crying out for in america, not for gun control, etc. because in the long run, unstable and insecure people will still end up with guns, knives, drugs, behind the wheels of cars, etc.

we as believers need to step up, meet people where they are without judgment and give them the best gift ever given, the gift of eternal life and life abundant. because we know that without the gift of Jesus, they will be lost forever. we know that it says in John 3:3 "truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God." these people need to know that they are walking down a path of destruction. they need to hear that Jesus loves them, that He died and rose again, was beaten and flogged for our sins. we need to let the world know that satan is a massive reality in the universe that conspires with our sin, flesh and the world to hurt people and to move people to hurt others. but we also need to let them know that satan is under control of the Living God. we need to pray that God would soften and entice their hearts to his word, open their eyes to his miraculous wonders, unite their hearts to fear and honor him, and satisfy them with his love.

we need to pray and reassure people that even as servants of the Most High, we still get cut down, broken and bruised from day to day life; but the security found in Jesus Christ makes it all worth it. God's love covers the sins of humanity, if only they will accept it. God's love conquers even in calamity, even in chaos. the people of this world need to know the life that they can find in Jesus. even now, with christmas just a few weeks away, the holidays are a time where people are emotional time bombs just ticking away with every bit of stress that comes along with this time of year. we need to make sure we're bringing this season back to what it should be celebrated for. not for jolly ol' st. nick and not for the presents and snowman. but for the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, the savior of man. lets use this christmas season and new year to bring the opportunity of new life and spiritual births to those around us; remind people that there is Hope and Joy that they can experience. hope and joy in Jesus Christ. agape.

my wretched selfishness...

Posted by christin joy | | 12/05/2007 12:19:00 AM

oh how wretched and selfish i am. i have made the one person in my life feel like they are not special. i have made the one person in my life that is always there for me - feel as though they have no sympathy from the one who should be showing all the sympathy in the world. i feel like a horrible wretched waste of life right now. i did not mean to make him feel that way. i guess in some ways i'm still feeling bad, but i should not have let it seep out this much, to the point where it alienates him and makes him feel as though i don't care. i'm a horrible wife. i am. theres no doubt about it. he works everyday, he takes care of me, he provides for me - and i can't even make him feel better or even a bit more comfortable. sometimes i don't know how to do that. sometimes he wants to be left alone, other times he wants me to love and hug on him. i'm horrible.

i have hurt the one that means so much to me, i have made him feel like crap even more so than he already felt. i wish were back home in america. i wish that we were back home. that way he'd have his friends and he'd be happy again. he could have his everyday run of the mill work, i could have a job and work hard and he'd be comfortable and happy again. maybe i should put all of this hope's refuge on hold. maybe i am not called to start it, just instill it into someone else's heart for it to come into fruition. i dont know what i'm doing anymore. i think i'm just overwhelmed. i think that we've overstayed our welcome here in HK and i think that if we didn't have the things holding us back, we'd be better leaving and coming back rejuvenated. we've had nothing but hard times for the past 5 months. non-stop drama from our supposed friends who left us with a bad taste in our mouths and a bad taste in others towards us. we have had to struggle because of their lack of cooperation. i just don't know what to do or what to expect. oh Lord, come quickly. this world is so hard. agape.

isaiah 57 & 58

Posted by christin joy | | 11/27/2007 03:28:00 AM

so i wrote this while i was at the harbor in tsim sha tsui. i was reading over and over a few chapters of the book of isaiah, particularly isaiah 57 & 58. this is what i came up, its kind of a mix of both chapters. i want it to be a song but i have to work out some bugs first and put music to it (oh bud! help me!!) but its just a rough copy anyway. if you are reading this, let me know what you think. i think i'll call it offering for change considering the times that are being recorded are still so similar to the days we're living in now and how the Lord offers a way out of the muck of this world.

---

offering for change
the Righteous delivered from the sting of death,
cry aloud, like the sound of a trumpet.
the Righteous taken away from the plague of sin.
joy and peace is their bed.

how much longer will this continue
whoring and perversion, oh what a generation
everywhere are glimmers of adulterers and harlots.
Your words are clear and Your commands are true
they spit in the face of the one who created
turn their backs from the one who was crucified
to take away our pain, to take away our shame.

the Righteous ride on the heights of the earth,
cry aloud like the sound of a trumpet.
the Righteous who have been restored and consoled,
will one day arise in the heavens.

will you continue with your covetous heart
or allow the one who is willing and able
to heal, restore and comfort you, oh broken child.
nothing in this life can bring freedom or redeem but the one in whom you should truly delight
will you come away from your idols and burnt offerings
and open the pages of your heart to receive healing

the Righteous have had their lowly spirits revived,
cry aloud like the sound of a trumpet,
the Righteous take delight in Him, the Lord Jehovah
who restored the heart of the contrite

peace, peace to the far and the near
taken out of the miry clay.
peace, peace to the far and the near
You lead and restore
peace, peace to the far and the near
You comfort and revive
peace, peace to the far and the near
You offer the promise of healing.

---

well thats that. i hope you enjoyed and were blessed, all few of those that actually read this. agape.

the estranged...

Posted by christin joy | | 11/26/2007 05:56:00 AM

Yeshua Ha'Maschiach. you are the only one that can prepare and make sense of our lives and the path you have laid before us. you say "blessed are the pure in heart" and i ask that your purity will go before us, will cleanse us of our shame and this disease we call sin. please allow our eyes to see how much you truly do love us. Abba, make sense of all of this - why does prideful yet false humility have to continue to hurt my heart. why do others inability to be cordial and Christ like have to fill my heart with sadness. why Lord, can i not just brush this off as i have been encouraged to do, why do i obsess over lost friends, why do i fall apart and hurt and cry over their friendship that is now lost. i know and am confident that what i did, what you instructed me to do was the right thing. Your word is so clear in how you want us to walk and how we are to handle issues of sin amongst fellow believers. only you can make sense of this for me and i know that you will. i am confident in your faithfulness. praise you Adonai.

theres so much on my heart and on buds right now. it was hard for me to write the above prayer as it is very open on how i feel about people, what i think of people and how i don't know what to do anymore. i don't want to beat anything into the ground, i'm just wondering what i am to do next. tomorrow we have a meeting about it with a bit of leadership here in hong kong and well, we'll see how it goes. i pray that it goes the way its supposed to, i pray the Lord's voice will speak louder than anyones. oh what a mess this turned into. what a fuss has been made. theres more to be said about our lives at the moment but my beloved has just returned home from work and i'm going to spend some much needed time with him. agape.

the holidays.

Posted by christin joy | | 11/21/2007 09:32:00 AM

my idea of a happy thanksgiving, unfortunately does not coincide with my husbands. these are the things you compromise on as husband and wife, but this thanksgiving is proving itself more difficult for me. i cherish every thanksgiving and every christmas as a day that we are given by the government to truly show we are thankful for what we have, to give praise to Our Lord openly with no hindrances and being able to show our thanks willingly. i know the cliche argument that people have for not celebrating these occasions: "you should be thankful everyday" or "Jesus was born in the spring" and "christmas is heretical if you do the research." but to me, those reasons are not important. yes we are to be thankful everyday and yes i realize that Christmas has turned from a celebration of Christ's birth (yes i know that He was born in the spring) to a greedy and needy time of give and take and another reason for people to party needlessly. but to me, these holidays are so much more. they have true value and hold a huge amount of gratification in my life. i grew up really enjoying christmas and thanksgiving "vacation", i grew up truly admiring the people in my life on these days. granted, there were a few years where things were ridiculous, but those were also the years where i was pretty nonsensical myself.

for the past 4 years, i have spent thanksgiving with my husbands family. it was very special to be able to spend time and see how they celebrate. with the exception of last thanksgiving, we have spent the rest of the time in the desert with his grandpa, in good old borego springs, california. it was nice because we'd ride dune buggies, hang out by the fire pit and just talk and have fun. then after thanksgiving dinner the "kids" - me, bud, steven and julie would watch tv. usually they'd fall asleep in their chairs and i'd end up watching the christmas movies that habitually show on thanksgiving. then we'd take the 2 hour (sometimes longer due to the amazing holiday traffic) trip back down to san marcos, california. that would be our thanksgiving. even though its different from what i'm used to - it was still special to me. different, but still special. my thanksgiving's, back in maryland would be as follows: the day before my mom and i would put together things that could be cooked early (i.e. pumpkin/pecan pie, any kind of casserole that just needs to be heated through the next day, etc.) the next day would be thanksgiving. i'd wake up to the smell of the turkey already in the oven, my mom would be baking from 6am or earlier. once i was fully awake, i'd help with the food and then watch football with my family.

then more of my family would come over. bob,donna and the kids would come over from the eastern shore. (usually matt is in georgia, so we'd just expect a phone call from him bright and early), and dan and sarah would come. they'd bring rolls and green been casserole. my dad would make the fruit salad and deviled eggs. once everything is cooked we'd sit down and pray, thanking the Lord for his bountiful blessings in each of our lives and his love and protection over our family. we'd then stuff our faces! then we sit on the couch, watch some tv or again, watch those famous christmas movies that come on tv. my favorites start being played about this time of year - "christmas story", "white christmas", "rudolph the red nose reindeer", "frosty the snowman", "mickey's christmas carol". all of the classic movies, i love! even the newer ones that are classics, such as "home alone 1&2". all these movies put me more and more into the holiday feel and cheer. i know, how cheesy right? irregardless, they make me feel right at home. after dinner and letting food digest we'd have pie. and after that digested, we'd slap some turkey on some rolls with mayo and have mini turkey sandwiches. everyone would go home to their respective houses and i'd stay home with my parents and mom and i would either watch another movie or they'd pass out and i'd call people on the phone or get on the internet. that is basically how christmas goes too - although you throw in the mix of opening some presents and stockings and such. just the little added silly fun.

holidays are important to me. its not the food that makes me happy, its not the "reason of the season". what it is, is the fact that i'm around everyone i love, stresses are left at the door or at least feel minimized for the time being and we just enjoy. we are truly thankful for life, for family, for love and mostly for the Lord God who gave us air to breathe and food to eat. he gave us family and friends to love and care for. he gave us security and shelter in His arms. hopefully, when i am blessed with the joys of children, i will be able to help mold and instill the same wonders of these holidays that my parents have for me. a time of pure enjoyment and love and fun with your family and close ones. a time where you can let your stomach out and noone cares if you weigh a few extra pounds. a time where you truly can "eat and be merry!" unfortunately, my husband does not share these values but i hope that he sees what these holidays mean to me and why they are so important. i can tell he probably knows i'm feeling more homesick at the moment because i'm not at home with my friends and family. truth is, i want to be home. i want to be back in california celebrating thanksgiving with bud's family in the desert. and for christmas, i want to be back in maryland celebrating with my family. but this year - its just me and bud.

i am truly thankful for so many things in my life. i am so thankful that i get to spend my thanksgiving and christmas with no one else but bud. i do wish we were at home, but since that is not an option this year - the Lord saw fit to let me and bud experience so many firsts, to start some of our own "family traditions", to learn to let our different views and desires for the holidays coincide, to compromise and learn from each others upbringings to form an amazing bud & christin newman thanksgiving and christmas. *sigh* so maybe i dont have my turkey dinner and my pie - but i have life, i have my husband, i have my dog and cat, and i have friends and family back in america who i know will be thinking of us. so regardless of my homesickness and my unyielding desire to be back in america, i am truly thankful for the place i'm in now and for the amazing love i have in my husband and even greater love in my Lord. thank you Jesus for another year, another day, another breath. thank you for my family. for my friends. for those i do not know. for all your children, for your creation. thank you for your love and guidance. please continue to shine your light in our lives. amen. agape.

memories have a tendency to sting.

Posted by christin joy | | 11/12/2007 10:37:00 AM

this new village house, the new neighbors, the new living situation. all of these things have become such a refreshing change of pace for my husband and i. regardless of the fact that we still have maybe 3 or 4 real friends out here, we are more available to the community and i love that. i love that i have found a friend in our new village that is not only ridiculously friendly, she also speaks perfect english! i just need to get over my shyness. does anyone know a cure for severe shyness? i did not used to be this shy i don't think, maybe i was and i was just around people who were not shy. if there is one thing i've learned about chinese people, its the fact that they are very shy people, or at least not very outspoken. they keep to themselves and it works for their busy lifestyles. maybe i have adopted their character trait of keeping to myself. i do not want to be a recluse, but sometimes i fear that it is too easy to be one in this city. there are so many people, doing so many new things all at the same time - so its easy to fade into the background. yes, even as a white person.

i have a huge desire to meet new people and get involved in their lives. but i'm so afraid to do it. i'm so afraid to get close to people i know i'm going to leave. if you know the life i've lived, you will know that i've dealt with massive amounts of loss when it comes to those who are close to me. just six months ago, i lost a dear friend to an aortic aneurysm . a little while before that i lost a friend from school, i lost a friend in the war, 3 years ago i lost a baby. so i'm afraid of getting close and then having to say goodbye. saying goodbye, no matter who you are is never easy for me, but i've had many spilled tears because i've had to say goodbye so often. you'd think it'd get easier, but unfortunately for me it does not. there are always tears, always a sinking feeling in my stomach, my face always gets hot and my heart always feels like its going to leap straight out of my chest. i don't handle goodbyes that well, i guess you have learned just from reading this paragraph.

i've been thinking of a lost friend quite a lot lately. my dear friend gordon mercovich. he passed away may 16, 2007 of an aneurysm in his aorta. he was otherwise top notch on the health scale and no one saw this coming. i just spoke to my friend donna (aka trissa) who was even better friends with him than i and she and i both have started thinking of him frequently. we're not quite sure why but we have started thinking about him so much, but we think it may be because we remind each other of the wonderful 7 foot tall man who had a contagious laugh, lots of love to give and a smile that could wipe away pain in a flash. the three of us would have non-stop flirt matches throughout the work day and keep each other company/sane by having "gordymails and donnamails and christinmails" all day. i'm surprised i never got in trouble for the amount of non-work related emails i had from those two. donna and i have recently reconnected after not having spoken in a while since i moved to hong kong. maybe its just because he cared so much. theres not a lot i can say without crying all over again. but i remember, when i received the news from donna that gordy had passed and the first thing i did was burst into tears and run in to tell bud. i could not stop crying and my breathing sped up. even now, i'm remembering. i called kyle and i called vaughn to tell them the news.

why are some things so vividly ingrained into your memory. why do those memories tend to be the bad ones? i can't help but think of him, i can't help but remember other past times where my heart bled. i can't help but think of times where my closest friends hearts were broken. i can't help but remember hurting when they hurt. good memories are forever remembered too, but why does the sting of sadness and hurt still cause additional pains when you revisit them? why do i have to remember the things that hurt the most, like my dear friend gordy passing away. i just wish i could hang out with him and hug him until i turn blue. i wish we could have had that amazing weekend we had planned of visiting sydney and doing all sorts of fun stuff. i wish donna, gordy and i could have had our fantastic weekend together. i wish that i could have had a few rum&cokes with him and danced the night away. i wish i could have hung out at his new house and played wow until the sun came up. :-/ i guess i'm just realizing *again* that those things we planned, those ideas and plans we had - will never happen.

all of this reminds me that life is so terribly short. we are not guaranteed tomorrow. :-/ i need to go rest and pray. i've sufficiently made myself depressed and i need to get out of my funk. agape.