****forewarning - this will most likely be kind of lengthy... i have a lot to say as i'm learning a lot right now.****
yesterday we became members of the orthodox presbyterian church, specifically trinity reform presbyterian church. we said our vows together as a couple, in front of our church body and the elders of the church. it was such a blessing. honestly, it may sound kind of hokey, but it was such a big step. bud and i have been members of one church since we've been together - crossweave. bud was involved with this church plant and both, he and i, served there for 2.5 years in different ways. bud preached once a month, i sang on the worship team and helped out with children's ministry, as well as organizing women's ministry things from time to time. while i love them and they will always be my family, i truly believe the step that we made by joining the OPC was the absolute best move for us. we have a new church family and accountability that is backed by a denomination. the vows we took reminded me of the vows i took with my husband 4 years ago...
vows are solemn promises to do what you say you're going to do. the vows we took before the church to become members were vows to live a Godly life, to submit to church authority, and we were to acknowledge that God's word is 100% inerrant, that the Gospel is true and alive and should be apparent in our lives. ever since we said yes to these vows, i am reminded of the vows i made with my husband and have been convicted of my own life. while i do pray and read the word, while God's love is evident in my life, it is no where near where it could be. there is a change that is growing inside of me, one that is attaching itself to every aspect of my life. but currently, the biggest area of my life that i think i need true growth is within my marriage. when we took our vows 4 years ago to become man and wife, we vowed to love one another, comfort one another, honor and keep one another - in sickness and in health, in rich or poor, and forsaking all others till death do us part. this is the perfect example of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and i don't want to allow anyone to see fault in the Gospel because of the way that i live within my marriage (and life in general).
while going through the book "feminine appeal - seven virtues of a Godly wife and mother", i've been thoroughly convicted, and i'm only on the second chapter! the book is based around the scriptures found in titus 2. this is the section:
older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. they are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. - titus 2:3-5
the more i read this passage, the more i realize that its the standard set before me and the direction i should be headed within my marriage. bud and i have been together almost 10 years, however marriage is a lot different from dating/being engaged. in all the right ways but also in a lot of ways that, if your not focused on the correct things, can be scary and be cause for concern. marriage should not be taken lightly, that is for sure. and my heart's desire is to grow and nurture the love and commitment i have for and with my husband. not just for selfish reasons, but because that is the call on my life. thats what i signed up for when i got married. its what i agreed to, its what i vowed to do.
when people talk about the relationship between a husband and wife, within a church body, you will hear that it is the perfect example of Christ's relationship with his bride (the church). and i'm learning that its so much more than just an example of his relationship... i'm seeing that it is an example of the Gospel. the love, respect, commitment, and care we show to one another reflects to the world of what God is doing in our lives together as a couple. "our conduct has a direct influence on how people think about the Gospel. the world doesn't judge us by our theology; the world judges us by our behavior. people don't necessarily want to know what we believe about the Bible. they want to see if what we believe makes a difference in our lives. our actions either bring honor to God or misrepresent His truth" (feminine appeal). when i read that, it was a slap in the face. because the way that i portray my husband, the way that i treat my husband, the way that i treat my relationship with my husband - reflects back on to what it is i say i believe in. what an awful way to reflect negatively on the Gospel. granted, the Gospel stands alone and does not need improving, enhancing, or help in anyway. it can't be improved as it is perfection in all senses of the word. however, "we can present the Gospel as attractive, impressive, and pleasing to a watching world." i don't want to be the person that gives someone the chance to speak evil about Christ or Christians.
so, how do i own up to such a calling? how do i own up to the calling of being "a wife"? i need to go back to delighting in loving my husband. this is the first of the seven virtues spoken about in carolyn mahaney's book. i always thought that the love i am supposed to have for my husband is the "agape" love, or sacrificial love. but what i learned is that the type of love women are told to show and give to their husbands is "phileo", or tender, affectionate, and passionate. i found it interesting to learn that "in commands specifically related to wives, agape is never used." that doesn't mean that i am off the hook and that i don't have to shower my husband with sacrificial love... the bible does command us to love our neighbor as ourselves and well... lets face it. our husbands live with us... can't get a closer neighbor. women are commanded to "phileo" and its men that are instructed to "agape". carolyn mahaney hit the nail on the head and i was truly convicted when she gave an example of how, many women can love their husbands sacrificially while the entire time, truly see him as a "jerk". women are good at cleaning, cooking, taking care of things for their husbands. but to get that phileo... takes the grace and mercy of the Lord to help.
while i don't see my husband as a jerk, i do have times where i love him in the sense that i will cook for him, clean for him, take care of things for him - however, i don't really feel that tender, affectionate and passionate love that i should have for him. its as though, well, like i've said before, the heat or romance is gone. "this command to phileo does not include a contingency clause... we are to love our husbands with a tender, affectionate love regardless of their response... its an unconditional love." just wow. i'm not done yet... she goes on to say that if your love for your husband has faded, the question is not: should i stay in this marriage? the question you should be asking is "how can i, as a wife, bring honor to the gospel?" the answer is... look at the circumstance in light of the cross, where God sacrificed His only son. i need to look at my struggles within my marriage in light of the cross. and i need the Lord to help me when i'm feeling lost and dismissed, when i'm feeling neglected or jealous. God's mercy and grace are there... i need to pour my heart out to Him, who is able to grant me grace and mercy for true understanding and for the ability to phileo my husband.
no, i'm not done. sorry - i warned you this would be long...
continuing on the thought that the "romance" is gone, the "lovey dovey" feelings and "passion" is gone... i am now seeing that the passion and "love" has been destroyed by sin. i have been needing to look at my own heart. "where sin is present, warm affection dissipates. anger, bitterness, criticism, pride, selfishness, fear, laziness - all vigorously oppose tender love. this cannot survive in a heart that harbors sin." i am learning that i need to read one of jonathan edwards' resolutions, pretty much on a daily basis... "resolved, whenever my feelings begin to appear in the least out of order, when i am conscious of the least uneasiness within, or the least irregularity without, i will then subject myself to the strictest examination." i need to take care of the speck in my own eye before i go blaming my marriage issues on my husband, i need to check myself and become truly aware of my own sin first, before going to my husband to discuss issues. "the more we understand the sin in our hearts, the more we appreciate the patience and mercy of God; and this, in turn, produces an attitude of humility and mercy toward our husbands". i need to remember that bud is a wretched sinner, just as i am, and let that strip me of any intolerant, critical, or demanding attitude. now, don't get me wrong. i'm not excusing my husband from his wrongs, his sins, his downfalls. but when i first seek out my own sin and repent of it, i will then have a heart of humility when i go to my husband... wow. (owned.)
i need to go back to the things that i was first drawn to when i met bud and when i first realized that i loved him. when i am feeling those awful feelings that no wife wants to feel, i think that before i go to him and tell him how i feel... i need to remind myself of his many wonderful qualities. my thoughts need to be tender. i need to keep my heart focused on tender thoughts and actions rather than being critical and basically blasting him for "making me feel" these things. as shirley rice writes... "how long has it been since your heart really squeezed when you looked at him?...your husband needs to be told that you love him, that he is attractive to you. by the grace of God, i want you to start changing your thought pattern. tomorrow morning, get your eyes off the toaster or the baby bottles long enough to look at him... look at his hands. do you remember when just to look at his strong hands made your heart lift? well look at him and remember. then loose your tounge and tell him you love him." i need to ask the Lord to give me a sentimental, romantic, physical, in-love kind of love for my husband... and i hope to do this every day for now on...
along with tender thoughts, i need to have tender behavior. i can come across as a nag and i can come across strong as if things have to be fixed right away and if they're not then life is going to come to an end. i can be dramatic. i know this. (i'm sorry, baby.) i need to prize and cherish my husband... not just quietly but actively. it is no shock to anyone that i want a child so badly that it hurts. my heart yearns for a child. and i learned today that... while that is a great desire and its okay to have that desire... i need to prize my husband above the children that i so desperately desire. after our relationship with God, our relationship with our husband is to be our highest priority. i need God's grace to truly believe that my husband is enough to fill my heart with... and if children do not come, i am and will be okay. that my heart, first and foremost, belongs to God and then, as a distant second, belongs to bud. i was created to be my husband's helper, not my children's mother. that is probably the hardest lesson that i have learned from this book so far. that doesn't mean i won't nurture any child that God blesses us with, but my love is first and foremost to help my husband. and that will be the biblical model to my children, if God chooses to bless us with them.
lastly, as this blog is probably like 5000 words long already, i need to cherish and enjoy my husband. to cherish is to hold dear, care for tenderly, to nurture, to cling fondly to, to treat as precious. i wonder what my husband would say if i were to ask him: "what is one way i cherish you?" i hope he would have an answer... i hope he would have more than one. but i am flawed and if he doesn't feel cherished, i'm doing something wrong and it needs to change. the last thing is to enjoy my husband, which is to prefer his company about all others, find genuine pleasure in serving him, and take an interest in what he enjoys. ohhh... youtube. i love you.. but sometimes you and i are enemies and truly do compete for my husbands attention. but i hope to not nag my husband to not spend so much time on youtube (or computer in general) anymore. i will continue to enjoy things on the computer and youtube... and try not to knock his interest in it. God give me grace in this area... i fail at it often. please give us bud and i a love that lasts, lavish us with your grace. help me Lord to love my husband more and more with each passing year.
sorry that this is so long. there will probably be a few more long entries as i go through this book. i truly recommend it to any women who is married or thinking of getting married or who are curious about marriage. it has already been a huge blessing to me. i'd tell you what i did today, but it was pretty standard. work was great, got a lot done (taxes for school, cooked chicken adobo for dinner, wrote out this blog), and now i'm going to go to bed. its late and i have a long day ahead tomorrow. working from 7:15am to 5 for dan and sarah and then from 6ish to whenever for rhonda and richard. so i'll be super tired... give me great rest Lord. <3 goodnight to you all. here is a picture of me and my husband... just thought i'd show you another one...
i love you, baby. so much more than i did yesterday and hopefully not as much as i will tomorrow. i pray that God will continue to grow our love and will help me to be the wife that God has called me to be and that you deserve. i love you, most ardently. you're my favorite. oxxoxo
